Conundrums and a Possible Addiction....

Yesterday I had one of those baffling moments in life, where things just don't make sense. Those moments that make one question ones intelligence level because one thought one had it all figured out. Well, this one apparently doesn't thanks to recent events. I am mentally exhausted. Probably has something to do with the 6 month old that is constantly attached to me - OR ELSE.

Actually, here she was mad because I wouldn't let her eat the grass... but you get the point, yah? She REALLY loves her Mommy, and really has to see/smell/hear/touch me every.second.of.the.day. and makes the face above if she can't. :((

Back to my original topic: My booty got bigger, but stayed the same size. (Catchy isn't it?)

Yeah. Makes sense huh?

I ordered 3 pairs of Seven jeans online. When they arrived on Friday I was ecstatic. Finally! The first new pairs of real jeans that I have purchased in the last 3 years. Without a maternity waistband! Look! Real buttons!

I anxiously pulled them up around my thighs and over my hips and then...

What the... OH C R A P !

And not just a little pinch. We're talking these puppies would't close without some serious muffin toppage. I finally had to face the inevitable. The moment I had been avoiding since 2 weeks after Kindle was born....

I held my breath and stepped onto the scale.......

In 6 months....

I've gained....



1 lb.

I tried again. Step off, step on.... 1 lb. Replace the battery... 1 lb. HUH? I think I see a pattern.

Check the size on the pants label again.... nope, that's right.

One of them has to be lying.

WTH? Do you see where my confusion comes in?

5 years ago I weighed in at a not-so-pleasant number over 200 lbs. Then I worked my ass off (literally) and lost 47 of it. Fast forward through 2 pregnancies and I gained 5 lbs each pregnancy, and then this mystery pound comes in, plus breastfeeding..... *mumble* divide by 4... carry the 1..... (how many of you are doing the math? haha) ...*mumble mumble* ..... and my head hurts. How could this one teesie weensie pound make a whole big pant size of a difference? I think I have it figured out...

See it? SEE IT!? Neither do I but the pie chart was fun to make... mmm pie.... but really, can anyone else figure this out for me?

I'll get back to you on that. In the meantime, the hubs and I are spring cleaning our cupboards. Time to cut out the sugars and "bad" carbs that have sneaked into our house. I have been looking into gym memberships and think I found the perfect place for us, which is a brand new step for me. (I hope that none of my friends have just fallen over dead after reading that sentence.)

I've never been a thin woman, and I don't aspire to ever be a size 6. At 5'10" and blessed (ahem) with cups that runneth over, I've joked that I am more like an Amazon for as long as I can recall. But kidding aside, I need to be healthier for my girls, and I need to be stronger for myself. I have a back injury that will just keep getting worse if I don't prevent it from doing so. It helps so much to have such a supportive man who is also taking the initiative to be healthier for his family. Yet again, he's my rock.

By my 30th birthday in August, I will be healthier and stronger, and as a result - I'll need to buy new jeans again.

That scale is going down!

...after one last trip to Coldstone.... I think I might be addicted to Mud Pie Mojo....

Meet Miss Kindle

kin·dle
–verb (used with object)
1. to start (a fire); cause (a flame, blaze, etc.) to begin burning.
2. to set fire to or ignite (fuel or any combustible matter).
3. to excite; stir up or set going; animate; rouse; inflame: He kindled their hopes of victory.
**Continued...

I awoke at 2:23 am to my cat attempting to lay on my face. I know it was 2:23 am, as I checked my cell phone to see if my husband had left me a text message - he is usually up around that time and every day he sends me a good morning text.

"Ugh, Spook! Noooo..." I whined as I pushed her off my bed

Then came a pain in my lower back. I changed positions to go back to my blissful REM.

Again, pain in my lower back. I look at my clock. 2:28 am.
Change positions. Again. 2:33 am. Ow!....oook....
By this time I am awake and waiting in the dark. Sure enough.... 2:38 am.

*sighs*

I get together some clothes and get in the shower and wash my hair. The smell of Bumble and Bumble Coconut and the hot water running down my back help calm me and seem to help ease the contractions.

By the time I got out of the shower - 3 minutes apart. "Maybe I should hurry up a bit...."

I walked into the living room and gently woke my brother, "David? David?? Are you awake? You need you to get up... I'm in labor. We have to go to the hospital."

I've never seen anyone jump up so fast just to run in circles. I chuckled and told him to calm down, this could take a while and if I was calm he should be too. I asked him to gather the items on the list I had left on the refrigerator.

Still 3 minutes apart and getting stronger.... I am bracing myself against the back of my loveseat, breathing slowly, as I stand on my tiptoes. Elongating my lower back seems to alleviate the pain, even if only a bit.

David grabbed my bag and woke Aidy and we went to the car.

I called Duane. No answer. He was scheduled to leave for a field excersize around that time - he would be gone for 3 days. I left him a voicemail.

Duane calls right back. Between contractions I tell him what is happening. I put him on hold each time another contraction comes... more frequently. I turned on the radio because Aidy begins to fuss - the song Eye of the Tiger is playing and it makes me laugh for a moment. Duane is also amused. Aidy likes that song.

When we get to the hospital it is 3:12 am. I ask my brother to go get some help - he comes back with a wheelchair. I ask him how he is going to push me and carry Aidy by himself. He leaves to go get help. I am mildly amused, but impatient at this point because of the pain which is excruciating and still in my back. If I could have just walked I would have.

Someone shows up to push me and begins asking me distracting questions. I am annoyed that he asks two of the same questions twice and decide to not speak to him anymore.

3:31 am. I am in my room in labor and delivery and immediately ask for an epidural. I have to wait for my doctor who has been called. I change into a gown and I am set up on an IV and the nurse says she doesn't think there will be time for an epidural after she checks me. I am at 7+ cm and 90%.

I talk to Duane one last time so that I can hear his voice and then my cell phone died. I was able to tell him I would call him as soon as I could and hear him tell me that he loved me and to be strong.

4:09 am. The contractions are constant and I am in the most pain I have ever been in. I tell the nurse that the pain is all in my back and the contractions are not stopping. She said that it was because Kindle was coming down fast and face up - I was having back labor.

Fabulous.

4:17 am. My doctor arrived. I hadn't realized that my brother and Aidy were still in the hall and the nurse suggests that they leave the area for a while so that Aidy couldn't hear me. I thank the nurse and I manage to tell David to take Aidy home and I would call him as soon as I could. I told them both that I loved them and I would be ok.

I almost didn't believe that last part. I reached a point where I truly believed I couldn't continue. I remember involuntary tears and cold sweat. I remember keeping my eyes closed as if my sight had something to do with the pain. I remember calling out for my husband and remembered that he was thinking of me and Kindle and waiting for us to call.

4:32 am. I wanted Kindle out. I needed her out. I tried explaining to them that the contractions wouldn't stop. I told the nurse to get her f***ing hand out of my crotch if she couldn't stop adding to my pain. She listened.

I don't feel bad about that. She was too aggressive and just rude. That was the only profanity I used the entire labor - I was actually quite proud of myself.

My doctor was robing up when the nurse told me to begin to push. I pushed twice and they both told me to stop. "We're not ready yet." said my doctor.

They weren't ready.

Incredulous.

I was supposed to just STOP?! The ONLY relief I had from pain was when I could muster the strength enough to push and change it to pressure. They couldn't give me any help to alleviate the pain and I was doing this naturally - so I was going to do it NATURALLY and follow my body and what it told me to do. I could have given a flying flip about them having their tools and instruments neatly organized on a metal tray in the appropriate positions - they were set up for Kindle already so I knew she would be taken care of. I could feel where she was and she couldn't stay there. I pushed once more and her head was out. I gave the doctor a moment to get to where she could catch her and one more push...

4:38 am. September 07, 2008. After only 2 hours and 15 minutes exactly - Kindle Elizabeth was born. Naturally. She was 10 days past due.

7lbs 15oz, 20.5in, 10 fingers, 10 toes, Apgars of 8 and 9, black hair, Daddy's ocean blue eyes, and she looks a lot like her Momma. She is a bit wrinkly from being past due and there was very little of my waters left. I didn't even notice when it ruptured. She really did wait as long as she could.

Kindle Elizabeth at only 30 minutes old.

5:08 am. I was able to turn my cell phone on long enough to send Duane a text and a picture of his new daughter.

09/08/08
10:28 pm. I'm exhausted. We are home and Aidy is in bed sleeping. She is such a proud big sister and has way too many hugs and kisses to give her little sister. *chuckles* David is watching television on the couch. Kindle is sleeping peacefully in her swing beside me. I am finishing up this blog so that I can go feed her and we can go to bed (and hopefully sleep!).

Earlier this evening I was looking at my two girls. They are so beautiful. I can't put into words how truly blessed I feel to have them in my life.

I am so excited for their Daddy to see them again..... and have my family back together for good.


**4. to light up, illuminate, or make bright: Happiness kindled her eyes.

What do you mean OVER due?

So today I am 40 weeks and 6 days pregnant and I haven't posted to LJ in quite a while.

The doctors appointment today determined I was at 5 cm dilated and 80% effaced! Her head is RIGHT up against my cervix (which means less pushing for me yay!).

So now... we wait...

She will let me wait until 42 weeks, but she said she can't let me go post term.

So Kindle, you've got until Sept 11 at 6 am to take your time....

I can't wait to meet her.

40 weeks!? Get back on your pedestal!!

"She's so adorable!" exclaimed the checkout clerk about Aidy on Saturday while we finished up our grocery shopping. "How old is she?" "Aww, Thanks! She's 14 months" I replied with a smile "Oh! And it looks like you're expecting another little one! When are you due?" "Yesterday." The look of distress and concern that came across her face in mere seconds was amazing. Like she was going to have a heart attack. "Oh my! How are you feeling!? Do you think it will be soon??" "I feel great, but I don't know if it will be soon. I'll let you know if anything progresses in the next 5 minutes." *chuckles*

**

This seems to be the normal reaction I am getting - since around 38 weeks along in my pregnancy. I never thought about it before I became pregnant with my first daughter, but why does it seem so odd to people that a woman who is 40 weeks pregnant is happy and comfortable and not complaining about "still" being pregnant? What is so odd about seeing a very pregnant woman grocery shopping and running errands and routine household things? I'm not handicapped, I'm pregnant. I'm healthy. I'm active.

No really. I am not bragging on myself. All of those things are normal for pregnancy - not what people seem to believe.

Sure there are some who suffer from morning sickness and other such symptoms as soon as they even think they may be nurturing something the size of a sea monkey, and must then be catered to and nothing expected of them for the next 10 months (or longer).

I'm just not one of those women.

In fact, unless she is in distress or getting too large for a natural childbirth I have no plans to be induced into labor. Babies have been born naturally for how long without modern medicine? She will let us know when she is ready. I trust her and I trust my body.

I enjoy being pregnant. So much in fact that I am giving serious consideration to being a surrogate mother after my husband and I finish having our children. I've been through the heartache of infertility and being told I would never have my babies, and if I can help alleviate that kind of pain for another person why shouldn't I?

The topic is interesting to think about though. When did all of this pregnancy fuss begin? If it were a fuss of concern for the mother's well being I could see the sympathy and compassion in humanity, and view it as chivalrous, but it's not about chivalry.

Kindness and compassion are my beautiful friends who continually send me positive thoughts and love just to make sure that I am alright and feeling well. I think some of you are just as excited and anxious to see Miss Kindle as I am! *chuckles* (Which I am very happy about and appreciate immensely by the way. )

It seems more like people (Americans?) have been brainwashed to believe that pregnant women are these fragile creatures that should be placed on a pedestal and not allowed or expected to do anything for those 10 months and almost..... discriminated against?

Have American women milked their pregnant conditions and manipulated others for sympathy?

Or is it more a matter of people fearing what they do not understand?

All of you Momma's reading - please share some of your pregnancy experiences with situations like these. I'd love to know what you think.

(**Note: I am still pregnant. Nothing happened in that 5 minutes.... or the last.... and I would be willing to bet... the next 5. )

Inner Peace

"The best way to pay for a lovely moment is to enjoy it" ~ Richard Bach

This picture was taken this morning with my cell phone. After breakfast my daughter was playing contently by herself in her cousin's room while I checked my email. When things got quiet - a little TOO quiet, I am sure you parents can understand - I got up to check on her and found her just like this.

These are some of the most precious moments in my life. The overwhelming feeling of happiness when I can look at my daughter and see that she is happy and has peace in her heart. In moments like this I find myself just staring at her....

I have so much in my life to be grateful for. I really believe that true happiness is not fleeting. It comes from appreciating what you have in your life - and I don't mean cars, money, or designer clothes. I mean love, compassion, understanding, and inner peace. If you can find that peace each day, and appreciate it for what it is - there is your happiness.

Gratitude is a choice.

Happiness is a choice.

Inner peace is a choice.

They are all connected.

I will be giving birth to my second daughter any day now. My husband is in the Army and cannot be with us for the delivery. I am very sad about this, but I know that all of his love is with us and that he would do anything to be by my side.

I am grateful to have a man who loves me so much that he would do anything for me.

I am happy to be welcoming our second child - that I was told I would never have - into our arms and our lives.

I know that her parents love her completely and will always be there for her when she truly needs them.

I have friends that are really coming through to show me that they love me and are there when I need them.

This is how I have inner peace with my husband not being with us. Instead of focusing on what we DON'T have - I can see all that we DO.

How could the two even begin to compare?

Watch the Squirrel...

As some of you know, my daughter Aidynn is a very clever girl.

Yesterday she brought me one of her little stuffies - a squirrel. This squirrel has a twin. I don't know how I acquired them, but she loves them.

Me: What's that Aidynn? A Squirrel?? Where's the other Squirrel?
Aidynn: Watch. Watch.
Me: Watch? Watch what?
Aidynn: Watch.
Me: *blank stare*
Aidynn: *blank stare*

Obviously there is a bit of a language barrier here.... aside from the fact that she had never said the word "watch" before. I had no idea what she was talking about.

Just a few moments ago I decided to take a break from packing after I finished sorting and hanging the last bag of laundry. (Yes, I send my clothes out to be laundered - shhh.) At the bottom of the bag, I find this....

Thinking to myself... "How in the heck did the squirrel get into the wash... ???"

"!!!"

NOT WATCH - WASH!!


Apparently my daughter decided that the squirrel needed a wash and sent him to the cleaners.

I know my kid is intelligent, especially for a 13 month old, but sometimes... I am a bit intimidated by how much I underestimate her.

Some news

I am so angry/sad/frustrated/upset/whatever.

Duane will not be coming home on hardship.

Even though this was all THEIR idea and I sent them all of the information that they asked for, and explained to them that someone needed to be here to care for Aidynn the Armys legal denied the discharge.

Their reason?

Pregnancy is not a suitable reason for dc.

I swear to God. I am so tired of living in a world of fucktards. I could scream. We already explained this to them.

I don't need him to come home to take care of ME. His daughter needs him to come home to take care of HER because I CAN'T.

Why is that so difficult for them to understand now, when they seemed to have no problem comprehending it before?

After 4 weeks of jumping through their fucking hoops and faxing and calling and waiting and paying my retarded doctor 25$ (yes she CHARGED ME) to write a medical note that took her less than 1 minute - and then MORE faxing and calling and waiting and calling and waiting just to have done it all for nothing.

I am so emotionally drained. I hate the fucking Army. I hated it when Dave was enlisted, and I hate it even more now.

I need help moving. I have to move to a downstairs apartment in the next 2 weeks. Anyone have any suggestions? Can someone find me a place that will pack and move everything for me that I can get a quote from? Any help would be appreciated.

Resignation

I have resigned to the fact that Duane will not be home for Kindles birth. This weekend I am putting a lot of thought into what I will do instead. I haven't quite gotten the who's, whats, whens, whys, and hows situated, but I do have an idea. I know that I need a support system, and my friends and family are wonderful - but they are in Redding.

So what do I do? I'm going to Redding to have this baby. My maternity leave will begin on August 15 and I will go be with people who I love and who will help me get through this.

I feel a lot less stressed having accepted this. I still don't like the situation, but it is outside of my control.

Duane and I also talked about something else important yesterday.

I don't want memories of my last pregnancy to be like this. I haven't had the time or the ability to appreciate it. I felt much closer with Aidynn at this point than I do now with Kindle. My husband has missed nearly this entire pregnancy and he will just barely miss her birth. His graduation date from AIT is September 18. He should be home just in time to take care of her and Aidynn so that I can go back to work.

This was supposed to be our last child. We had agreed on two.

We both changed our minds.

So, instead of a permanent birth control, I am going to look into Merena - the 5 year IUD. In that time we will decide whether or not to have another baby.

Resigned

So it finally happened. I ended up in the hospital today. I burst into tears, called my doctor and she told me to go to labor and delivery immediately. I had to have someone at work drive me around 11am.

Dehydration, Ketones from not eating enough, and not getting enough rest.

This is the third time in the last week, but it was the worst so far.

Incredible dizziness, blurred vision, feeling faint, nauseous, and altered hearing and perception.

The nurse said a few things that really hit me hard today....

"You should be enjoying this pregnancy, not killing yourself."

"If you keep doing this to yourself and your baby, she WILL be born prematurely. Not might, WILL."

At that point I just started sobbing.

They made me eat and drink a lot of water, and then they released me. My boss came and picked me up and I talked to him about cutting back my hours.... at least until Duane comes home. I don't have a choice anymore if I want to take care of my baby. I still don't feel like he heard me, even though he agreed it would be best for me and the baby.

I have to make this work. It won't be comfortable financially, but I can make it work.

I know it wasn't her intention, but I feel like such a terrible mother after the nurse said those things. In placing myself last in everything I have placed Kindle last as well. She deserves better than that. I can say I've tried, but obviously not hard enough.

32 weeks....

Are we there yet?
Sesy maternity panties again! WOO!

I live in these by the way. I don't like pants. I don't wear them when I am home.

I am sad today

In dealing with all of the *new* and improved stress of getting everything together to send to the Army to have them say "this isn't good enough" yesterday and have Duane call to tell me that - and then have to redo it all over again and get MORE when there is noone to get more FROM (this being part of my problem and needing him to come home!) and deal with my doctor (who for an educated woman, really is pretty dense) who doesn't seem to understand exactly what I need from her -

She put me on Paxil again.

5 years after I stopped taking those damn pills, she is making me take them again - or she won't write my letter for Duane to come home.

She said the stress that I am experiencing could be more damaging to my baby Kindle than the pills would ever be.

I accidentally bonked Aidynn in the eye with the bathroom trash can when trying to get her out of it this morning - it cut open the skin on the side of her right eye and was bleeding a lot. It doesn't need stitches, but it looks horrible and swollen and bloody, and every time I look at her I cry. I feel so bad. I can't believe I hurt her.

When will this end?

I want my life back.

Last resort

Everyone on my friends list who will be reading this knows me well enough to know that I am a stubborn person. I will often exceed my physical, emotional, and mental limitations in order to please or help those that I care about.

I have been doing this for my family in all of those areas for the last 6 months now.

I am tired. I am tired of being in pain.

Even though I don't give up, I feel as though I have run out of options. I cannot handle everything on my own anymore. Not that I can't emotionally or mentally - I would push myself over the edge on those two... and who knows, maybe I already have. I cannot physically handle everything that I do any longer. Duane has known this and admitted it for a lot longer than I have and he has been doing everything in his power to come home to me and our daughters. This weekend, we finally decided together that as a last resort he was going to push for a hardship discharge.

This will allow him to re-enlist should he choose to in the future (although he insists he will never leave us again), but terminate his contract with the US Army allowing him to come home. He has other plans in mind. For now, the first being that he will take care of his family. We really need him to.

Of course, I have to write a letter explaining the situation, my family has to write a letter, and my doctor has to write a letter and I have to send them to his unit. I have mine done, my grandmother wrote one for her and my grandfather, and I just got off the phone with my doctors office and hopefully they will get it done soon. The sooner I can fax the paperwork, the faster they will (maybe) do something.

Since I cannot talk to my husband, as they took his cell phone, I will just have to hope that everything is in order until he calls me. I will do what I have to.

Everyone cross your fingers please that he will be home with us safely and soon.

Failure

I feel like I have fallen so deep into this hole that I am just high enough to hold my children up until I can collapse.

I don't think that I have anything left to give.

I've been watching my life crumble around me a little at a time, trying to juggle everything - having it all falling down in the end.

I'm selfish if I place my daughters future stability and security in danger, but how much will that security and stability be worth if they don't have a mother?

Ultimately I don't have a choice in the issue. I have a choice to continue fighting against my anger, and my frustration, and circumstances outside my grasp. After 5 months, I don't have the strength.

Let it fall.

And so it begins....

The swelling of the feet... take a look at this! They only get bigger too. Say goodbye to my ankles, as soon they will be cankles. I am sad that I am going to have to remove my toe rings once again... but obviously they aren't worth being known as "Kristi 8-toes".

Goodbye my feet. See you in 3 months....

and yes I know I need a pedi! I can't reach!

H is for Hormones

I think I have finally reached a breaking point today. I am so sad about so many things.

I am so tired and exasperated with everything. To top it off, my maternity clothing for mid-pregnancy seems to be getting a bit too small for my belly. So, I have to shop for more clothes that I will wear for 2-3 months and then never again. If I didn't have to go to work I would invest in t-shirts and sweat shorts. Unfortunately I do have to go to work.

I have always had a hard time finding clothes that fit me properly. Large chested women often do. For some reason it is presumed that if you have a large chest you also have a large waist. I'm not a little thing, but I certainly swim in the 3x clothing that is recommended for my chest size when my waist matches up with a L. Add in the maternity factor here.... and there is a hell of a lot of frustration on my part.

There are a lot of cute tops right now that emphasize the "baby doll" shirts. In plus size I can get away with a 18-20 and it fits my chest AND belly! The only problem is finding said tops. So far I have managed to find ONE.

I was looking online this morning and I love love LOVE a lot of the tops they have in plus women's at Nordstrom. Problem is, I refuse to pay $185 for a shirt that I will wear for 3 months and then donate to charity.

I remember reaching this stage with Aidynn. When nothing is where it should be on my body. Nothing fits correctly and I long to go shopping for normal size clothes that look cute. Something that would catch my husbands eye and make him notice and say, "Wow, my wife is beautiful."

I just wish my husband was around to even say, "Hey, that's my wife."

Instead, I feel like a bum most of the time in over-sized clothing that Aidynn has usually marked with some type of sticky/crusty/unidentifiable substance.

The middle ground for this problem is to go shopping... who knows? I might find that cute maternity outfit that I have been waiting for. The pessimist in me though thinks about how tired I am... as I sit here typing this my daughter is sleeping and I can't seem to gather the energy to get into the shower... I think about how it entails getting ready, getting Aidynn ready, and hauling us both to Arden Mall to 3 separate locations and then to Mervyns (since we will be out and I have to get something there as well.) We would make it back home probably around 6 pm and then I would have to make dinner and the other nightly rituals before I could finally sit my pregnant ass down and relax.

She is awake. I haven't had my shower.

Something tells me I am not getting out of the house today.

Things I can't do anymore....

I want the option of making this list.

It is a title of a post in a group I belong to on Cafe Mom. In the post there are responses such as...

"give my daughter a bath"
"get something out of the bottom of the fridge"
"do a lot of housework"

I really do like the majority of Cafe Mom... but sometimes I get so frustrated with the whiny bitching. The site seems to be compsed mostly of bored SAHM's who are doing anything BUT mothering their children. The ones that write a 3 page post about how frustrated they are that their house is a wreck, their kids don't listen, and their husbands don't pay attention to them... when all I can think is "If you had spent the same amount of time CLEANING, BONDING WITH YOUR CHILDREN, or DOING SOMETHING NICE FOR YOUR HUSBAND as you have writing your stupid post of boo-fucking-hoo-poor-me perhaps you would start finding a solution to your problem."

But I can't. I have to be "nice".

Sometimes the posts just frustrate the hell out of me though! For me those things listed are not optional. They are mandatory! If any one of them got off their pampered asses and stopped using their pregnancy as an excuse they would find that they could do these things too! With a sometimes extreme amount of discomfort, but when there is no "CAN'T" in your vocabulary it's amazing what you can do.

I have to give my daughter a bath. If I don't, no one will, and since she likes to rub food in the back of her hair and make it stand on end like Christopher Lloyd - she gets one almost daily.

I have to get things from the bottom of the fridge - even if it means sitting my fat ass on the floor and scooching closer to the back of said refrigerator, holding whatever it is in my teeth while I turn to get onto my hands and knees, and straining to lift myself off the floor while my daughter looks at me with an amazed, "So that's how you do it!" look.

The housework thing? I have to clean this place daily. My daughter is a monster. Godzilla-esque in nature. If the living room has not been thoroughly demolished before her bedtime.... well... that's never happened so I don't know what that would be. Papers, Movies, Books, Toys, anything I happen to leave within her reach - it all ends up scattered between her room, the dining room, and the living room. Then there's that whole dishes thing so we don't have to eat out all the time (which I have been VERY good about by the way as of late!). I even have been cooking! On a daily basis!

*sigh*

I just shake my head and keep my opinions to myself.

Asshats.

I got my hot dog.

Just to post an update....

I took my car in yesterday and am pleased to say that it now runs beautifully. Like it did when I first drove it off the lot. The catalytic converter seems to be fine. The very nice guy at the repair shop only charged me $89.00 for labor, and he didn't charge me the $89.00 for the diagnostic they ran on Saturday, which brought the total cost down to around $520 - instead of the $800 something. PLUS he gave me 25% off the cost of an oil change (which they only charge 20 bucks for anyhow) the next time I need one.

Sams Club is still retarded. I will never again order online from them. I don't think I blogged about that... but I don't feel like wasting my time. Long story short - I cancelled my order, they shipped it anyways and billed me. I cancelled the delivery and they sent it anyways. I called for a refund and I have to wait 24 to 72 hours for someone to supposedly call me back to begin the process of getting over $700 back for an item I never recieved that I had cancelled before it even shipped. Needless to say, I am even more happy that I don't shop at walmart because I hate the idea of profitting those morons who don't know how to handle a phone call.

I miss my husband. I have never missed anyone like I miss him. As close as we were before he left, it would be hard to imagine, but this entire experience has brought us so much closer. He amazingly passed his PT test 3 weeks ahead of schedule - and over minimal requirements! I am so proud of him. He works so hard and really puts forth the individual effort to succeed at whatever he sets his mind to. We are going to try and arrange it so that he can come home. I really need him here with us.

Yesterday after work I went to the grocery store to get milk, eggs, etc for Aidynn. I found Milk Chocolate Dove Ice Cream Bars with Almonds and I got hot dogs that I plan on eating tonight for dinner along with some artichokes and mayo. (Leave me alone I am pregnant.)

This makes me happy.

I still miss my husband though.

What the fuck are THOSE!?

So at work this morning I made one of my usual twice hourly trips to the restroom. Today I was wearing a pair of my full panel maternity jeans (SEX-AY!) and a brown fitted cami under a sheer brown top. The routine goes something like this - flip up cami; flip down panel; pull down pants; proceed.

What I didn't anticipate however was after I pulled up my pants, and turned to the sink before flipping up panel and flipping down cami, I caught my reflection in the mirror and saw THIS:

Pardon the seductive maternity underpants, and the language, but what the fuck is that all about!? I am only 6 months pregnant and THOSE weren't there 3 days ago. I made it through Aidynn's entire pregnancy without a single (new) stretch mark. It looks as though I were attacked by something with skin thinning claws. They continue all the way around my waist. I've spared myself the humiliation of posting more pictures for evidence.

I was near panic when I discovered them. They were and are there. There was and is nothing that I can do about it. More could appear. I am helpless to avert them. I feel..... violated. Not that I have a bikini body, but still... it's my body. I liked it that way it WAS!

I should have seen it coming. In just 3 short weeks my belly went from bump to boulder, itched like crazy, and I was so damn hungry I thought I had twins and a tapeworm.

Of course I whined to Duane. Even though he laughed at me, he was sympathetic.

Pregnancy changes your body. You never know what it will do.... but none of it is good. I'm not sharing the toll that Aidynn took on my body. So far this baby has granted me my very own stripes.... I hope that is the worst of it.

PS: On a side note.... last night was the first night I slept on my new mattress. I had worried that I padi too much for a mattress I had never tested and it would be uncomfortable....

I would have paid so much more for this mattress.

Exhaustion

So... I am nesting.

Just when I thought I didn't have enough energy to do everything... I find the energy to clean.

Nothing is clean enough in my apartment unless I have recently given it a thorough scrubbing.

The last 3 days I have cleaned my bedroom, sorted through my entire wardrobe, cleaned out my closet, scrubbed my bathtub and bathroom floor and toilet, vacuumed my whole house, cleaned Kindle and Aidynn's room, dusted the living room... and the list goes on and on and on and on.... yet it still doesn't seem clean enough to me.

I see the progress I have made. In fact I am very proud of myself. It is beautiful when it is clean. I found myself thinking today, "I wish Duane was here to see how clean the house is and what an awesome job I have done.". That, of course, made me sad.

*sigh*

So it is 9:45 and Aidynn is being kept awake by the sounds of my typing. Even though I am eyeing the computer desk and thinking, "Wow, that really needs to be cleaned off and windexed...." I am going to refrain.

I am going to go spend my first night sleeping in my new bed.

I can hardly wait.

Frustration...

Today, so far, has been a bad day.

I'm not even going to go into the majority of it, but the biggest part of it was that I was SUPPOSED to have a prenatal massage today. My wonderful husband bought me a gift certificate for mothers day so that I could go relax for an hour.... oh... to relax.....

I have an appointment at 11:30am, so Aidynn and I take our baths and get ready to leave the house. We grab the purse, diapers, wipes, snacks, formula, etc and head to Teri's house. I drop Aidynn off and drive 20 minutes to Fair Oaks to:

The Spa - Simply Skin

When I walk in the door and tell them I have an appointment at 11:30 I get blank stares.

"OH! You know, we are so sorry. We have been trying to get a hold of you all morning. The technician didn't come in today so we had to cancel your appointment."

My exact words were, "You've got to be kidding me."

I wanted to scream! "Do you know how much effort it required me to establish and set this appointment? To find a babysitter for my 11 month old! To get out of the house and be here at 11:30am on a Saturday morning when I work all fucking week!? Thank you! Thank you for wasting my fucking time!"

Instead, all I said was: "This is ridiculous. I can't reschedule. This required too much effort. I would like my gift certificate refunded please."

"Do you have your credit card?"

"No, it is my husbands. It was a gift for mothers day. He is in the Army. He is in South Carolina. Would YOU like to call him??"

"Oh, I am sure we can find it on file."

20 minutes later I am so frustrated that I am fighting back tears as I head back to my car to go pick up my daughter holding a slip for a refund that will post to my bank account in 5-7 business days.

When I finally made it back home... over 2 hours after I had originally left the house, it is over 100 degrees and both Aidynn and I are tired and sweaty. I discover that according to this place, "get a hold of you all morning" means ONE phone call - placed 19 minutes before the appointment was to begin.

So now, because I overdid it last night cleaning house THINKING that I was going to have a massage today, I am sore and achy and perfectly content to throw myself a pity party until I have to fight the heat again and go to the grocery store - because Safeway delivery service is all booked up until Monday afternoon and I am out of a lot of things.

Hooray for hauling groceries up stairs!

I hate fucking living in an upstairs apartment.