Enough Already!: A Pregnancy Rant

When I went in for my appointment this morning with the WHNP (Women's Health Nurse Practitioner) for my Ob/Gyn, I was hoping that things would go better than they did the last time. English is not her first language and not only is it difficult to understand her, but half the time I couldn't tell if she was ignoring what I was saying, or she didn't understand my words whenever I would try and tell her something she wasn't talking to me about first. This is the same woman who said to me "F'joo carrre 'bout bay-bee joo arrre carr-ink, joo vill stope brrreaast-feedink immeeeditly." during an exam.

I was angry that she would say that to me. Especially as I had told her of the fact that I was breastfeeding not 10 minutes prior and she had said nothing to the matter. I had done my research into breastfeeding during pregnancy and I knew that she was expressing a personal opinion and not advice based on medical or scientific evidence from studies.

Unfortunately things did not go better this time.

I peed in a cup, the assistant took my weight and blood pressure, and then I waited 10 minutes to see the WHNP. She measured my fundal height (height of my uterus), checked baby's heartbeat, told me I needed an ultrasound this week and should have had one 3 weeks ago as if it was my fault one hadn't been performed already, and then told me I was gaining too much weight. In 3 minutes. That's it. Then she sent me out to make an appointment for an ultrasound which they couldn't schedule because the doctor was on vacation for the next 3 weeks. But they were unwilling to send me to an outside Ultrasound Lab because they would lose that money from the insurance company. I had to ask what the problem was after standing there listening to 2 receptionists talk it over for 10 minutes to find out that much. It was due to their "policies" of using only their doctors (who take 3 week vacations in the middle of their patients pregnancies!) that I couldn't have one sooner.

Uhm... excuse me? Do I get a say in anything?? Hello? I'm here! Remember?? I'M the PREGNANT one! This is MY body! It's MY baby!! I felt like screaming.

I also told the doctor at my last visit 3 months ago that I was concerned about the amount of weight I was gaining so early in the pregnancy. I mentioned again the insulin resistance. All he had to say was "Go for walks". Easier said than done when one can't move without back spasms and feeling like their insides are ripping apart. I voiced that concern too, and his response was an arrogant change of subject to genetic testing that I wanted, but he didn't want to order for me because it would "cost too much money". Of course that was a 3 minute appointment too, at which the end he didn't even say anything, but just walked out of the room. I got the distinct impression that he felt I was wasting his time.

My eating habits have not changed. Having been through this twice before, so recently might I add, I would notice if there was a difference in my lifestyle then and now. Yet, I am 21 weeks pregnant and I have gained 20.5 pounds. My last 2 pregnancies I gained 35 total (carried to 38 weeks and then 41 weeks 5 days) with each and lost all but 5 pounds within weeks of delivery.

Not once have I had anyone at that office ask me how I was feeling. Am I unreasonably uncomfortable? Having any problems? Concerns? Offer helpful advice on nutrition for how I might stop gaining weight so quickly, or even run lab tests to find out if there may be metabolic issues considering I did tell them I was diagnosed with PCOS and Insulin Resistance in 2001. When I have spoken up out of turn about these things, I have been ignored. Except for when the WHNP had the nerve to tell me that after I spent THOUSANDS of dollars for one of the top reproductive endocrinologists in the country, who has published several books on the subjects of infertility and PCOS which I battled for 12 years before getting pregnant, that I "must have been misdiagnosed". Well I am sure her opinion is more valuable than his lab tests and multiple doctorates... right?

Do I have any say in my care at all? Unfortunately I believe that right now the answer is a resounding "NO". This office doesn't have the time to allow me to have a say in my health care.

That's not ok with me. This is my third pregnancy, and the second doctor, that I have seen from which I have received the same treatment and attitude. I'm done with Dr Gods and their ignorant sheep staff.

The first Ob/Gyn delivered Big Sis and Little Sis. With Big Sis, the doctor induced me with Oxytocin... without telling me she was doing so or giving me an option on whether I wanted to have a baby that day or continue having a natural, normal childbirth since I was only 38 weeks. She broke my water to speed up my labor. I was forced to stay in an uncomfortable hospital bed for more than 30 hours tangled up in wires and cables and only laying on my back. The hospital staff wouldn't allow me to eat or drink anything even though I was very hungry and thirsty. The doctor performed an episiotomy without my consent, even though I had voiced to her that I didn't want one. I had no idea what was going on. Being my first labor and delivery, so how would I know any different? It seemed like everything that I asked though was disregarded and what I did or didn't want meant nothing. My recovery was horrible.

With Little Sis, I had to see the same doctor as Big Sis thanks to my insurance company. I decided that I would make things different. I didn't want to be induced again and that I made that very, very clear not only verbally, but by not stepping a foot in the doctors office after 38 weeks. I only went to the appointments that I felt were necessary. I allowed showed up for the lab tests that I thought were necessary. I did my own research. Pregnancy and delivery was surprisingly easier when I wasn't stressed out about doing what someone else told me to. I didn't go to the hospital until my contractions were 3 minutes apart. By the time I got there I was in excruciating pain. The nurse who kept checking my dilation, effacement, and baby's positioning (repeatedly as if they were going to change from complete and ready to deliver) was rude and ignored everything that I told her. Fortunately there was no time for her to hook me up to machines and an IV. That didn't stop her from being overly invasive. I finally screamed at her to remove her hand. When the doctor arrived she immediately told me that it "doesn't hurt" that badly before she had even examined me to discover that I was having back labor and she hadn't been informed that my labor had gone from nothing to ready to deliver in less than 2 hours. When I could tell that Little Sis was ready to be born my body told me what to do. Then the doctor told me to wait, because she wasn't ready because she hadn't finished setting up her surgical tools. I listened to my body instead, and delivered a healthy little girl. I also experienced a recovery infinitely easier than the first. I was up, walking around, and feeling great less then 30 minutes after delivering my baby!

EVERY negative experience I have had with my pregnancies is because of a doctor or their assistants.
EVERY problem or concern that I have had has been ignored because someone else deemed it wasn't worth their time.
EVERY time I think about the birth of my girls there is a little bit of sadness because of the invasion of my personal experiences.

I'm done with it. I won't accept the same for this baby. So, I'm changing my care provider to a Midwife and a Doula. My first appointment is Thursday.

This wasn't an easy decision for me to make. I am the oldest of 6 kids, so I was around a lot of babies being born. "Babies are born in hospitals and delivered by a doctor." "If there is no hospital and no doctor, something bad will happen to the baby." These were things I believed because I had been taught to believe them by ignorant people. Along with these beliefs came the belief that childbirth was not a natural process, and labor and delivery was something to be afraid of because of the pain. Pain medication was mandatory.

So many women think they have to put up with the same thing that I have, because they believe the same things that I did, or they don't know there are other options.

Childbirth is natural. Babies were being born for thousands of years without doctors and they will be born for thousands more even if there were no more doctors to deliver them. There is a time and a place for medical intervention, and that should only be when the life of the mother or child is at risk.

I'm done letting someone who doesn't care ABOUT me and my beliefs, "care" FOR me and my baby.

Conundrums and a Possible Addiction....

Yesterday I had one of those baffling moments in life, where things just don't make sense. Those moments that make one question ones intelligence level because one thought one had it all figured out. Well, this one apparently doesn't thanks to recent events. I am mentally exhausted. Probably has something to do with the 6 month old that is constantly attached to me - OR ELSE.

Actually, here she was mad because I wouldn't let her eat the grass... but you get the point, yah? She REALLY loves her Mommy, and really has to see/smell/hear/touch me every.second.of.the.day. and makes the face above if she can't. :((

Back to my original topic: My booty got bigger, but stayed the same size. (Catchy isn't it?)

Yeah. Makes sense huh?

I ordered 3 pairs of Seven jeans online. When they arrived on Friday I was ecstatic. Finally! The first new pairs of real jeans that I have purchased in the last 3 years. Without a maternity waistband! Look! Real buttons!

I anxiously pulled them up around my thighs and over my hips and then...

What the... OH C R A P !

And not just a little pinch. We're talking these puppies would't close without some serious muffin toppage. I finally had to face the inevitable. The moment I had been avoiding since 2 weeks after Kindle was born....

I held my breath and stepped onto the scale.......

In 6 months....

I've gained....



1 lb.

I tried again. Step off, step on.... 1 lb. Replace the battery... 1 lb. HUH? I think I see a pattern.

Check the size on the pants label again.... nope, that's right.

One of them has to be lying.

WTH? Do you see where my confusion comes in?

5 years ago I weighed in at a not-so-pleasant number over 200 lbs. Then I worked my ass off (literally) and lost 47 of it. Fast forward through 2 pregnancies and I gained 5 lbs each pregnancy, and then this mystery pound comes in, plus breastfeeding..... *mumble* divide by 4... carry the 1..... (how many of you are doing the math? haha) ...*mumble mumble* ..... and my head hurts. How could this one teesie weensie pound make a whole big pant size of a difference? I think I have it figured out...

See it? SEE IT!? Neither do I but the pie chart was fun to make... mmm pie.... but really, can anyone else figure this out for me?

I'll get back to you on that. In the meantime, the hubs and I are spring cleaning our cupboards. Time to cut out the sugars and "bad" carbs that have sneaked into our house. I have been looking into gym memberships and think I found the perfect place for us, which is a brand new step for me. (I hope that none of my friends have just fallen over dead after reading that sentence.)

I've never been a thin woman, and I don't aspire to ever be a size 6. At 5'10" and blessed (ahem) with cups that runneth over, I've joked that I am more like an Amazon for as long as I can recall. But kidding aside, I need to be healthier for my girls, and I need to be stronger for myself. I have a back injury that will just keep getting worse if I don't prevent it from doing so. It helps so much to have such a supportive man who is also taking the initiative to be healthier for his family. Yet again, he's my rock.

By my 30th birthday in August, I will be healthier and stronger, and as a result - I'll need to buy new jeans again.

That scale is going down!

...after one last trip to Coldstone.... I think I might be addicted to Mud Pie Mojo....

Righting the Wrong

You know, I'm not the type of person to be passionate about politics. In fact, Government and Economics were my least favorite courses throughout high school and college. I respect the amount of effort that the founders of this country put forward, and even though I hardly can fathom the current conditions as what they had in mind, it is what it is – and that is what its people have made it.

Even more aggravating to me than politicians arguing amongst themselves, is when I see the public taking the issues so personally that they become just downright spiteful and mean to each other! I have been so tired of the personal attacks between people that normally would get along perfectly. I even dropped blog subscriptions yesterday because of it. Freely speak all you want, but I'm not reading that garbage. I can't stand political issues because of things like this!

This morning however, I had a change of mind…. And heart.

The first time I heard an advertisement for Proposition 8 in California, my husband and I were driving to the park with our two daughters. At first I thought it really was a joke. The commercial itself was about our children potentially being taught about same sex marriage in public schools if the proposition was not allowed to pass.

Yes, that's right. THE SCHOOLS IN CALIFORNIA WOULD BE EDUCATING OUR CHILDREN!

This couldn't be allowed to happen! We must protect our children!

*BIG sarcasm here folks*

What if our schools taught our children that two men who loved each other could marry each other – and that two women who loved each other could marry as well? What if children were taught that in the eyes of the legal system in the great state of California, same sex married couples were viewed as equal to married couples of opposing gender?! What if the children who were being taught these LAWS had parents that didn't agree with the fact that same sex marriage was legal?

What if…..

Schools do not educate our children on moral principle. Schools do not teach what is right and what is wrong outside of the law books – they are required to follow strict ethical behavior. It is the responsibility of parents to educate their children in that department. Remember? Raising and rearing their kids into what they believe to be self-sufficient, intelligent, and responsible individuals that contribute to society – that's what parents are supposed to do.

The idea that this proposition passed to ban the marriage of two people of the same gender based on religious groups attempting to protect its sanctity is ridiculous in my opinion. What happened to the division of church and state? How does any other person marrying any other person in the name of love or any other reason have any impact at all on how I practice and view MY marriage?

It doesn't.

I thought to myself, "There's no way that the people of California will let that pass! It's ridiculous!"

But, I was wrong. It really did pass.

When I first heard that from a co-worker, I had to see for myself. I couldn't believe it. I can still hardly believe it.

I.AM.APPALLED.

For the first time ever, I actually care about the political state of things – and it's all regarding this proposition. Passing it though is only fuel for fire – I can feel it. I really think that it's just another step towards what I feel in my heart is right. In spite of the outcome, I still see a glimmer of hope for same sex marriage to be made legal in California – permanently. More attention is going to come to this now. More people are going to talk. More minds are going to open. People will progress. It might not be today, but it will be sooner than you think.

I came across this today, the author wrote this in words that I cannot relay any better, and I have a feeling quite a few others will feel the same….

"….You can ban gay marriage all you want, metaphorically duct tape teachers' mouths and take away their copies of "And Tango Makes Three", outlaw any mention of two dads or mama and mommy or refuse to attend Uncle Ted's commitment ceremony, but your kid is going to learn about -- and learn to love -- legal partnerships and weddings between all sorts of couples. How?

My daughter will teach them.

See, my daughter -- and many, many other kids (who can't vote -- yet!) -- says "who cares who you love?!" when I take too long to explain political signs around town. My daughter isn't an off-putting sledgehammer like her angry mother, rather a sweet, sensible kid who hates wasting time on all this talking and just expects people to be fair and nice and hug a lot.

And ohhhhhhh your kid likes my kid. Your kid likes what she has to say. She makes so much sense! She's talking about love! And happy families! Who doesn't love happy families?! And pretty soon, if not already, your kid will shut you up with "who cares who you love," too. You, supporter of the ban, can prattle off a bunch of "our family's values" and "our traditions" but your kid ain't buying it. Oh, she may nod her head. He may say, "that's right mom." But kids these days! Kids! They get it. It's the parents (and Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) who don't.

So while it kills me that we have to wait even a day longer to see the laws of this country aligned with its mission of equality and justice for all -- especially if waiting means more gay teens thinking they're weird and/or committing suicide -- we're going to see it. My kid will fix it. Our kids will fix it. For everyone. No, really -- everyone!" - Madeline Holler

Just one more reason I am proud to be a Momma. Not just because of who my babies are, but who they will be and the voices that I will teach them to have, long after I am gone.

40 weeks!? Get back on your pedestal!!

"She's so adorable!" exclaimed the checkout clerk about Aidy on Saturday while we finished up our grocery shopping. "How old is she?" "Aww, Thanks! She's 14 months" I replied with a smile "Oh! And it looks like you're expecting another little one! When are you due?" "Yesterday." The look of distress and concern that came across her face in mere seconds was amazing. Like she was going to have a heart attack. "Oh my! How are you feeling!? Do you think it will be soon??" "I feel great, but I don't know if it will be soon. I'll let you know if anything progresses in the next 5 minutes." *chuckles*

**

This seems to be the normal reaction I am getting - since around 38 weeks along in my pregnancy. I never thought about it before I became pregnant with my first daughter, but why does it seem so odd to people that a woman who is 40 weeks pregnant is happy and comfortable and not complaining about "still" being pregnant? What is so odd about seeing a very pregnant woman grocery shopping and running errands and routine household things? I'm not handicapped, I'm pregnant. I'm healthy. I'm active.

No really. I am not bragging on myself. All of those things are normal for pregnancy - not what people seem to believe.

Sure there are some who suffer from morning sickness and other such symptoms as soon as they even think they may be nurturing something the size of a sea monkey, and must then be catered to and nothing expected of them for the next 10 months (or longer).

I'm just not one of those women.

In fact, unless she is in distress or getting too large for a natural childbirth I have no plans to be induced into labor. Babies have been born naturally for how long without modern medicine? She will let us know when she is ready. I trust her and I trust my body.

I enjoy being pregnant. So much in fact that I am giving serious consideration to being a surrogate mother after my husband and I finish having our children. I've been through the heartache of infertility and being told I would never have my babies, and if I can help alleviate that kind of pain for another person why shouldn't I?

The topic is interesting to think about though. When did all of this pregnancy fuss begin? If it were a fuss of concern for the mother's well being I could see the sympathy and compassion in humanity, and view it as chivalrous, but it's not about chivalry.

Kindness and compassion are my beautiful friends who continually send me positive thoughts and love just to make sure that I am alright and feeling well. I think some of you are just as excited and anxious to see Miss Kindle as I am! *chuckles* (Which I am very happy about and appreciate immensely by the way. )

It seems more like people (Americans?) have been brainwashed to believe that pregnant women are these fragile creatures that should be placed on a pedestal and not allowed or expected to do anything for those 10 months and almost..... discriminated against?

Have American women milked their pregnant conditions and manipulated others for sympathy?

Or is it more a matter of people fearing what they do not understand?

All of you Momma's reading - please share some of your pregnancy experiences with situations like these. I'd love to know what you think.

(**Note: I am still pregnant. Nothing happened in that 5 minutes.... or the last.... and I would be willing to bet... the next 5. )

Some news

I am so angry/sad/frustrated/upset/whatever.

Duane will not be coming home on hardship.

Even though this was all THEIR idea and I sent them all of the information that they asked for, and explained to them that someone needed to be here to care for Aidynn the Armys legal denied the discharge.

Their reason?

Pregnancy is not a suitable reason for dc.

I swear to God. I am so tired of living in a world of fucktards. I could scream. We already explained this to them.

I don't need him to come home to take care of ME. His daughter needs him to come home to take care of HER because I CAN'T.

Why is that so difficult for them to understand now, when they seemed to have no problem comprehending it before?

After 4 weeks of jumping through their fucking hoops and faxing and calling and waiting and paying my retarded doctor 25$ (yes she CHARGED ME) to write a medical note that took her less than 1 minute - and then MORE faxing and calling and waiting and calling and waiting just to have done it all for nothing.

I am so emotionally drained. I hate the fucking Army. I hated it when Dave was enlisted, and I hate it even more now.

I need help moving. I have to move to a downstairs apartment in the next 2 weeks. Anyone have any suggestions? Can someone find me a place that will pack and move everything for me that I can get a quote from? Any help would be appreciated.

Lego My Ego

I know a lot of parents who are opposed to posting pictures of their kids online for the world to see.

I say, "Good for you!" Whatever your reasons may be, you parents are thinking about your children and doing what you believe is best for them. That is a definite sign of a great parent in my book. A few of my friends share this view. I, however, don't. I don't see any harm in it and I post pictures of my baby girl on all of my blogs and communities – on myspace, cafemom, lj, etc… because, come on, she's freakin' adorable!

The grin that earned a sip of diet root beer soda pop.

Her Daddy and I are very proud to be her devotedly doting parents and really do think she ranks up there above purring kittens and fluffy bunnies. Why wouldn't we want to share that cherubic face with our friends, family, and fellow bloggers? In fact, we thought so much of her when we first met her that coming *very* soon there will be another snuggle-face slathered all over this blog – consider that your warning. On top of it all, I am so generous that I won't even charge people to see these snapshots of joy! See! Here's another!

The satisfied dribble chin.

However donations are always accepted and appreciated:

What??? Does that sound – self righteous?! Egotistical?!

Why? Haven't you noticed? Baby pictures are the newest commodity on the market!

I generally stay away from blogging about most things media and celeb-retard based, but this caught my attention.

The bidding war for first photos of the 'Brangelina' ::rolls eyes:: twins began before they were even born. Shortly after the birth they settled on a sum of $11M. The ever-churning media mill reports that the prolific parents are going to donate all of the money they receive for the fraternal kiddies candid's to charity this time – not just half of the proceeds like they did with the original $4.1M they received from their first result of combining genetics.

That half to charity is better than a poke in the eye, as the rest of the profiting baby mama and daddy celebrities just pocket the cash. At the same time, the two humanitarian do-gooders are multi-millionaires, and in positions to donate many millions to charity without even flinching; and without the need to pimp out their children for pics.

The list of celebrities marketing their kids for publicity is amazingly extensive.

What are these people thinking? Celebrity status or not, how are these kids going to feel when they get older knowing that their parents sold them out for profit? This disturbs me in ways I cannot even describe. To me it sounds like exploitation posing in the name of charity and good will.

"We are not to do evil that good may come from it."

– St. Paul to the Romans

This is so important, and so very true. Yes, I am speaking from personal experience. In the past I have said/done quite a few manipulative, hurtful, and deceptive things to others to help ensure an outcome of what I believed was best for my daughter - I would do anything for her.

Does that make any of what I did/said right? Nope.

So am I sorry for any of it? Nope.

I did, however, decide at a point that I didn't want to be that kind of person. I didn't approve of the behavior I exhibited when I allowed my ego to run the show. I observed the behavior elicited in response by other egos to my own actions and words and realized that I had lost sight of myself and my own core - the kind of mother I want my children to learn from, the kind of wife I want to be for my husband, the kind of friend I want to be to the people I love in my life. I didn't want that cycle to continue for any party involved, including myself. So I walked away and left the dramatics and the selfishness where it belonged – in the past.

"You cannot find yourself by going into the past. You can find yourself by coming into the present"

- Eckhart Tolle

Since then, I have learned to keep my ego in check by focusing on what truly matters to me in my own life .. and staying true to my own virtues. ..

What about these celebrity parents? Are they being led by their egos? Some of them have claimed that it is all an effort to control the paparazzi.

They are fueling the aggression by creating a more competitive market for the media, and not just monetarily. It's appalling how far some of these "photographers" will go to get their shots already – add in a factor of bigger money at stake to the "winner" and you've got a problem.

Why not just take pictures of the kids and hand them out? There's a novel idea! Wouldn't that be more than enough to control the paparazzi? Remove the monetary value and you remove the influence of those who would profit. The parents and children would still be in the limelight - and come on, who doesn't like a picture of a cute kid?

So, what do you think about the trend of celebrities selling photos of their infants to the highest bidder?

-and-

Have you ever let your ego cloud over what really matters to you?

The Eye of the Storm

As I type this my baby girl is sitting on my ever diminishing lap (thanks to my gigantically 7 1/2 month pregnant belly) listening to Alison Krauss and being content to snuggle in my arms. She smells like peanut butter and bananas as she hasn't had her after dinner bath yet. She is soft and huggable. She is my sweet miracle. She is her Daddy's girl.

She feels like love.

I don't like reading or watching the news and I try to as little as possible. I both blame and thank my mother for my sensitivity to the evil and violence in the world. She is crazy in her own ways, but if there is any one thing I would like my daughters to inherit from their grandmother's parenting it is the innocence and sensitivity to the darkness around us that some people choose to carry in their hearts.

I felt the need to let this out of my heart, and I hope that after I put it down, I can let it go - at least somewhat - and feel a bit better.

I will not post a link to the article; I refuse to give this tragedy any more of my emotional resources than it has already consumed. The longer attention is brought to events like this, I believe the more potential there is for people to think that it is the norm - or worse for some with imbalance of the mind - acceptable. I came across it in a blog that I read on a parenting website.

A man in Turlock, CA - less than an hour and a half from where I live in Sacramento - was fatally shot in the head after he was instructed by police officers to cease severely beating an infant between the ages of 1-2 along side of the road. According to witnesses, yes I said witnesses, at the scene, the man pulled his car over and pulled the infant from the car and began to .... you get it. The infant was rushed barely alive and suffering to the nearest hospital where he died from his extensive injuries.

Two men tried to stop him before police. Of all of those people who had stopped to see what was going on. TWO. TRIED.

So many questions enter my mind, so many that I don't even want to know the answers to. Mainly, what kind of a person could do something like this - and to an innocent baby! What kind of monster could intentionally kill an infant? What kind of sheep could stand there and watch?

I love my daughter.

I literally love her more than life. I adore her. I would do anything for her. Just the thought of something like this happening to another child... a child just like her... or even the unthinkable.... I want to hold her and never let her leave my sight. I don't know what I would do.... I would die.

Of course, I happened to read this artice at the office right before I left for the day. I couldn't get to her daycare fast enough to see her smile and hug her tighter than before. When we got home, she went down for her nap as usual, and I watched her fall asleep bit longer than normal, just listening to her breathe; wondering how many more moments I would have in my life like that.

My husband called me while our daughter was sleeping, I told him how I was feeling, how I couldn't shake this, and I broke down and cried - from frustration and sympathy and anger and so many other emotions all in one.

It's so hard to maintain optimism sometimes knowing that I am raising my two little girls in what at times seems to be the eye of the storm. I hope that I can shelter them from things like this for as long as possible (and without losing my mind!). It does help to know that their Daddy and I will always protect them and keep them safe. We will do our best to love them, always know where they are, and know the character of those they are with.

If only loving them was enough to always keep them safe, but I know it isn't. So, I suppose keeping them in the eye of the storm is the best we can do - at least until they are wise enough to know how to do it for themselves.

You have GOT to be fucking kidding me.

How hard is it to relay information if AT ANY TIME you use your mastercard?

No really, I would like an answer to this question.

My husband doesn't seem to know how to do it. He seems to be incapable of saying "I spent X amount of dollars with my card" within 24 hours of having done so.

In the last month he has cost this family $132.00 in overdraft charges. ONLY on the OD charges.

I am fucking livid. Can you tell?

$132.00! We have had to put over $1400.00 into the car this month. We have our daughters 1st birthday party this month. Money, needless to say, is tighter than usual. Paying bills tomorrow I HAD $200 for my daughters 1st year pictures. NOW I will only have $107 - not nearly enough for the appointment that I have already paid for - so now I get to juggle something around with bills and make it work AS USUAL!

The bonus side of this? I can't call him and yell at him because they took his phone last night.

Once again, I am all on my own dealing with everything.

Well this is one thing I REFUSE to fucking deal with anymore. I told him that should he bounce one more thing I would cancel his card - and I just did.

Things I can't do anymore....

I want the option of making this list.

It is a title of a post in a group I belong to on Cafe Mom. In the post there are responses such as...

"give my daughter a bath"
"get something out of the bottom of the fridge"
"do a lot of housework"

I really do like the majority of Cafe Mom... but sometimes I get so frustrated with the whiny bitching. The site seems to be compsed mostly of bored SAHM's who are doing anything BUT mothering their children. The ones that write a 3 page post about how frustrated they are that their house is a wreck, their kids don't listen, and their husbands don't pay attention to them... when all I can think is "If you had spent the same amount of time CLEANING, BONDING WITH YOUR CHILDREN, or DOING SOMETHING NICE FOR YOUR HUSBAND as you have writing your stupid post of boo-fucking-hoo-poor-me perhaps you would start finding a solution to your problem."

But I can't. I have to be "nice".

Sometimes the posts just frustrate the hell out of me though! For me those things listed are not optional. They are mandatory! If any one of them got off their pampered asses and stopped using their pregnancy as an excuse they would find that they could do these things too! With a sometimes extreme amount of discomfort, but when there is no "CAN'T" in your vocabulary it's amazing what you can do.

I have to give my daughter a bath. If I don't, no one will, and since she likes to rub food in the back of her hair and make it stand on end like Christopher Lloyd - she gets one almost daily.

I have to get things from the bottom of the fridge - even if it means sitting my fat ass on the floor and scooching closer to the back of said refrigerator, holding whatever it is in my teeth while I turn to get onto my hands and knees, and straining to lift myself off the floor while my daughter looks at me with an amazed, "So that's how you do it!" look.

The housework thing? I have to clean this place daily. My daughter is a monster. Godzilla-esque in nature. If the living room has not been thoroughly demolished before her bedtime.... well... that's never happened so I don't know what that would be. Papers, Movies, Books, Toys, anything I happen to leave within her reach - it all ends up scattered between her room, the dining room, and the living room. Then there's that whole dishes thing so we don't have to eat out all the time (which I have been VERY good about by the way as of late!). I even have been cooking! On a daily basis!

*sigh*

I just shake my head and keep my opinions to myself.

Asshats.

I got my hot dog.

Just to post an update....

I took my car in yesterday and am pleased to say that it now runs beautifully. Like it did when I first drove it off the lot. The catalytic converter seems to be fine. The very nice guy at the repair shop only charged me $89.00 for labor, and he didn't charge me the $89.00 for the diagnostic they ran on Saturday, which brought the total cost down to around $520 - instead of the $800 something. PLUS he gave me 25% off the cost of an oil change (which they only charge 20 bucks for anyhow) the next time I need one.

Sams Club is still retarded. I will never again order online from them. I don't think I blogged about that... but I don't feel like wasting my time. Long story short - I cancelled my order, they shipped it anyways and billed me. I cancelled the delivery and they sent it anyways. I called for a refund and I have to wait 24 to 72 hours for someone to supposedly call me back to begin the process of getting over $700 back for an item I never recieved that I had cancelled before it even shipped. Needless to say, I am even more happy that I don't shop at walmart because I hate the idea of profitting those morons who don't know how to handle a phone call.

I miss my husband. I have never missed anyone like I miss him. As close as we were before he left, it would be hard to imagine, but this entire experience has brought us so much closer. He amazingly passed his PT test 3 weeks ahead of schedule - and over minimal requirements! I am so proud of him. He works so hard and really puts forth the individual effort to succeed at whatever he sets his mind to. We are going to try and arrange it so that he can come home. I really need him here with us.

Yesterday after work I went to the grocery store to get milk, eggs, etc for Aidynn. I found Milk Chocolate Dove Ice Cream Bars with Almonds and I got hot dogs that I plan on eating tonight for dinner along with some artichokes and mayo. (Leave me alone I am pregnant.)

This makes me happy.

I still miss my husband though.

I want I want I want

I want a freaking hot dog.

I cannot go get a hot dog, as my mode of transportation is broken.

I want my husband.

I can't have my husband because he is on the other side of the country.

I want my daughter to quit grabbing at the keyboard.

My daughter will not stop grabbing at the keyboard - my daughter is now on the floor.

I don't want to deal with all of this bullshit today... or this week.

I want to go back to bed.

And stay there.

In the quiet.

By myself.

Closure

Until about an hour ago, I thought today had been a bad day.

I got Aidynn and myself ready to take care of a few of the usual household chores of the weekend - laundry and grocery shopping and we left this morning around 11:30.

We got into the car... and it wouldn't start.

The third try it finally started and it was not a good sound. The entire car was shaking and it died quite a few times. My apartment complexes repairman came over and told me that he thought it sounded like the catalytic converter or the spark plugs and I told him I had just had the spark plugs replaced 2 months ago when I got it tuned up at Midas. He recommended a place to take it for a diagnostic. When I left the parking lot and the car would not change gears until it reached 4000 RPM and kept dying I knew it wouldn't make it to the place he recommended. So, I stopped at the first open repair shop that I found.

For $89 to run a diagnostic, I sat with my daughter in my lap for 4 hours waiting for the shop guy to tell me that the wrong spark plugs had been installed and blown out the coil in my car. He didn't know if the catalytic converter had been effected yet or not, but it definitely wasn't a good idea to drive it that way or it would definitely blow it out. He could fix the plugs (cheap) and the coil (not cheap) for around $800, but the parts wouldn't be there until Tuesday.

Midas installed the wrong parts in my car and caused $800 (so far) in damage.

I still have my receipt. I plan on calling Midas again on Monday. They were not open when I finally got home today. I will give them the option of fixing the damage, paying for the damage, or being sued for the damage.

During all of this I was speaking with Duane off and on. I was stressed beyond belief. I don't have $800 to pay for car repairs right now! How was I going to get the laundry done? How was I going to get groceries? How was I going to get Aidynn to daycare and myself to work on Tuesday and get the car to the repair place? How was I going to PAY for it?? I can't miss work on Tuesday - my coworker is on vacation, and my other coworker is pulling a half day - they need me!

Stress. Stress. Stress.

I think I have it mostly figured out - I'm not going into it. The purpose of this blog is to put down what I realized only about an hour ago.

All my life - and I mean ALL MY LIFE - I have taken care of others. I am a caretaker. It is what I do. I was raised to be this way - almost programmed by my immature and neglectful parents. I have always put everyone else first, and myself last. I have always placed my needs and wants to the side and focused on what I could do to make those that I love happy. It was first pointed out to me about 8 years ago in therapy when I was caring for my siblings. After I was made aware of it, I noticed that I always cared for everyone - my parents, my siblings, my friends, my (now ex) husband... everyone but myself. I have made peace with it, and it is who I am. I am happy with that part of myself. It is selfless and caring and compassionate. I do know that I need to take more - or at least leave something for myself - I just don't know how most of the time.

I was watching television, and there was a couple in which the woman had a lot of the same care taking issues that I have had in the past. Her husband was a selfish and self centered person who was so self involved that he had no idea what his wife wanted, let alone how many ways he was neglecting her. I thought to myself, "What a pig. He reminds me a lot of my ex-husband. How could you claim to care about someone and treat them that way. How could you say you love someone and not WANT to take care of them? I am so lucky that I have Duane......."

Then the light bulb went off. I bitch and moan and complain - and he listens. I tell him my feet hurt - he rubs them. I don't even have to ask him to - he cooks for me and cleans things because he knows I like order. He randomly sends me messages and pictures just to tell me that he loves me and that he is thinking about me. Even if there is something that is not in his best interest, but it would make me happy - he does it. He always seems to know what I need from him - and he is the only person to even know how I am feeling about something before I do or how to clarify something so that my mind can understand it.

He is the only person I have ever had in my life who places me first and makes sure that I am taken care of.

I can't say that I didn't notice before that he treats me well - that much is obvious. I just never had the clarity to see that whenever I have a problem or need something, he is always right there. I never had that before him. Someone is taking care of me! No one has ever done that. I finally have someone I can depend on no matter what, at any time, for whatever I need - to have that requited is completely novel to me. He does it because he loves me and for no other reason.

I can't even put into words how much he means to me.

I think I had given up on ever finding someone like him, and convinced myself that I would never have this kind of love. I am mildly amused that I have had it for this long without putting it all together! To finally realize this... brings some closure to a very large piece of my life. Closure that I never thought I would find.

Frustration...

Today, so far, has been a bad day.

I'm not even going to go into the majority of it, but the biggest part of it was that I was SUPPOSED to have a prenatal massage today. My wonderful husband bought me a gift certificate for mothers day so that I could go relax for an hour.... oh... to relax.....

I have an appointment at 11:30am, so Aidynn and I take our baths and get ready to leave the house. We grab the purse, diapers, wipes, snacks, formula, etc and head to Teri's house. I drop Aidynn off and drive 20 minutes to Fair Oaks to:

The Spa - Simply Skin

When I walk in the door and tell them I have an appointment at 11:30 I get blank stares.

"OH! You know, we are so sorry. We have been trying to get a hold of you all morning. The technician didn't come in today so we had to cancel your appointment."

My exact words were, "You've got to be kidding me."

I wanted to scream! "Do you know how much effort it required me to establish and set this appointment? To find a babysitter for my 11 month old! To get out of the house and be here at 11:30am on a Saturday morning when I work all fucking week!? Thank you! Thank you for wasting my fucking time!"

Instead, all I said was: "This is ridiculous. I can't reschedule. This required too much effort. I would like my gift certificate refunded please."

"Do you have your credit card?"

"No, it is my husbands. It was a gift for mothers day. He is in the Army. He is in South Carolina. Would YOU like to call him??"

"Oh, I am sure we can find it on file."

20 minutes later I am so frustrated that I am fighting back tears as I head back to my car to go pick up my daughter holding a slip for a refund that will post to my bank account in 5-7 business days.

When I finally made it back home... over 2 hours after I had originally left the house, it is over 100 degrees and both Aidynn and I are tired and sweaty. I discover that according to this place, "get a hold of you all morning" means ONE phone call - placed 19 minutes before the appointment was to begin.

So now, because I overdid it last night cleaning house THINKING that I was going to have a massage today, I am sore and achy and perfectly content to throw myself a pity party until I have to fight the heat again and go to the grocery store - because Safeway delivery service is all booked up until Monday afternoon and I am out of a lot of things.

Hooray for hauling groceries up stairs!

I hate fucking living in an upstairs apartment.

Frustration

I feel like I am going to go crazy. I feel depressed. I feel like a terrible mother.

My daughter - normally the picture of the perfect baby - is going through separation anxiety because her Daddy left again.

Don't get me wrong, I completely sympathize with her. If I could get away with it, I am sure I would do nothing but cry and scream until someone I loved relentlessly gave me their undivided attention and love. Problem is, he's gone.... and that isn't an option for me. Trust me, it's still tempting.

Since Friday night, Aidynn has cried so much. She has to be able to see me at all times and 90% of that time I have to be holding her. She has fallen asleep in my arms at least a dozen times this weekend.... she never sleeps in anyones arms. She refused to sleep in her bed for half of Friday night.... and last night she wouldn't even let me put her in her crib without screaming like she was dying. She slept with me the entire night.... sideways... with her head in my mid-back.

Right now, I have music playing on the computer to try and drown out the sounds of her screaming for me to come pick her up. It's nearly an hour past her bedtime... I know she is tired... I know she needs sleep, and will immediately fall asleep if I take her to bed with me.

::sigh::

This on top of pregnancy hormones and some other issues I am dealing with by myself.... I am tired of being so fucking sad... and I want my baby to be happy again too.

Venting

I am a subscriber to Cafe Mom. I check the groups that I am a member of daily. Today I came across this post:

Title: Being a first time mom is so hard

Body: I really don't know if i could handle anymore

The following responses go on to whine about how they aren't getting unbroken sleep, and how they have no time for themselves, and how they never get to spend time with their friends or the significant others.

With every fiber of my being I want to respond: FUCK YOU. SINCERELY.

This is the latest in a long list of posts I have read recently where 20 something mothers are whining about how hard it is to be a stay at home mom with one baby. Where do I even begin to relay my thoughts on this?

Let me tell you about my week: Every night since her Daddy left my daughter has awakened between 2 and a dozen times during the night. She no longer sleeps through the night - ever. Monday morning: I wake up between 5:30 and 6:00 am and get ready for work. I shower, dress, and see if I can get my makeup on before my 9 month old wakes up. IF my daughter hasn't awakened before 6:45 am (BIG IF HERE) I wake her and play with her for a few moments before setting her in her high chair and giving her some breakfast (Cheerios, Cheese, Puffs, Fruit Pieces, etc..) while I pack her diaper bag, my purse, and usually grab something to take with me for breakfast. At 6:50 am I get her out of her chair and change her clothes. Grab the diaper bag, purse, and her and head downstairs to the car. I strap her into her car seat and take her to daycare. After dropping her off I head to work. I work from 7:30 to 4:30. Get off work and go pick up my daughter and take her home. After hauling everything upstairs, usually she will take a nap for an hour to an hour and a half. I will usually unwind in this time - check email, etc. When she wakes up I feed her some dinner and try to eat something myself. Then I let her play with her toys. Usually she will have a bath after she is done eating. Then, if I am lucky, she will go to bed between 7:30 and 9:00 pm.

Repeat last paragraph Tuesday - Friday. Fit in the occasional appointment and errand.

Saturday is usually house cleaning day - except vacuuming, as Aidynn is terrified of the vacuum, and the day I get to spend the most time with my daughter. Usually we are both so exhausted from the week that she spends a lot of time napping, and I am so tired I don't know what I am doing. Also Saturday is the day that we do the grocery shopping, or go to Target to buy household items.

Sunday is laundry day, and the day we wait to hear from Duane. Between 1:00 and 3:00 pm, I haul 2 hampers (average) a week downstairs to the car, and then back upstairs to get Aidynn and her diaper bag. I make sure she has a toy and a treat to occupy her while we are there. We drive to the laundry mat and I unload the clothes and take them into the laundry and leave her in the car - locked and within sight. I leave the laundry near the machines I plan on using and got back to the car. I unload her stroller from the trunk and get her and strap her into it. I take her into the laundry and try to keep her entertained while I load the clothes into the washers. Then we wait... and attempt to stay happy. It take a little less than 2 hours. Then we take everything back home; reversed of how we got there. I only hear from Duane 50% of the time, and for only 3 minutes, but it's amazing how much those 3 minutes have an effect on the rest of my week. The rest of the day we try to relax... as much as you can relax chasing a 9 month old who crawls everywhere around.

Add degenerative disk disease at the L4-L5-L6 vertebrae and a protruding disk at C5-C6, oh yes, and a pregnancy.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

I am in no way complaining. These are the choices that my husband and I have made for our family. I am so fortunate to have so much that I love to work so hard for. I am grateful for every single day. Even though they aren't all picture perfect, and I miss my husband like no one could possibly understand, I am happy. I am so blessed in so many areas of my life. I still count my blessings.

I just wish that more moms could realize all of the luxuries and frivolities that they have before they even begin to complain.

Does this classify as whining?

I want my husband home now.

I don't think I could put it any more clearly than that. We couldn't be separated before for more than 12 hours without missing each other like crazy. I don't know what made us think that we could be apart for 6 months. Well, they told us it would be 6 months. Then it changed to more like 8 months. Now, he has hurt himself, and who knows how long it will be until he is home. Part of me hopes that he is seriously injured - then he will have to come home. He is finally dealing with the ineptitude of military physicians that I warned him about so many times.

I wrote him today and I asked him to look into Administrative Separation. Basically it will be as if he never enlisted and he can come home. We can figure things out here on our own. He can take evening classes and finish his degree. There is always another option. We will be fine. We just need to find that other option.

Tomorrow marks 50 days since he left. I was doing better knowing that I was going to be able to see him at graduation in a month. Now, he can't train. He can't work on his PT. He won't pass. He won't graduate.

I just want him to come home.

Our daughter was sick today. She had a fever over 102. She was so clingy and at one point as I held her, she just stared at me deliriously. She wouldn't eat anything, and refused water and juice most of the time. She has diarrhea pretty badly. I gave her Tylenol this morning and it didn't seem to help. At noon I gave her Motrin. I felt so bad for her. By mid-afternoon she was feeling better, and her temperature has dropped significantly. She was back to crawling around and smiling again. She is napping right now.

I was so sick this morning that while in the shower, I began coughing so hard that I began dry heaving. All the while Aidynn is screaming because she is miserable. I had to bring her in the bathroom with me while I showered because she wouldn't go back to sleep. At this point I didn't realize she had a fever, and I thought I was going to be late for work. Little did I know...

I don't know what this is that I have. It is wicked. It's like a sticky film I can feel in my lungs, but no matter what I take, it will not come out. I have taken vicks and cough drops and they seem to ease the coughing a little, but they don't get rid of it. I've never had that problem. I've also taken nasal decongestant and tylenol. It seems like everything about this ... monster, is resistant.

I drank an Odwalla Wellness earlier. It has herbs in it, but the way I see it - which is more likely to hurt my baby? Herbs that are meant to help you fight illness? Or a fever of 103, constant hacking, coughing, and dry heaving, not sleeping, feeling achy and miserable, and taking drugs every 6 hours?

I just hope we feel better soon. It's hard enough being an acting single mom to a sick 8 month old, but managing the household, working full time, being pregnant, worrying about your husbands safety, AND being sick all at the same time - there's only so much even this woman can handle.

Oh yes, and this morning running to the bathroom so I didn't pee on myself I clipped my right little toe and second toe in on the bathroom door. The little on is broken; it's swollen and hurts like hell. I don't know about the other one.

La La La La

I miss Duane. A lot. Not just because I am tired of doing laundry, paying the bills, cleaning the house, raising our daughter, and doing dishes all by myself, but I miss him and his companionship. I haven't laughed nearly as much since he left.

I am busy, very busy. It seems like I gogogo from the time I wake up (which is too early) to the time I go to bed (which is too late). I am still not sleeping well. I can't sleep if Aidynn is awake. I feel like I have to attend to her if she needs me so I need to be awake. Supermom - dun dada dun! So, if she wakes up at 4 in the morning, I stay awake until she goes back to sleep. Then, I have been awake for so long that I can't go back to sleep because my brain has started thinking about all of the things that need to be done. Then I get up and get ready to do them all.

Being an "acting" single mom is a hard job. No wonder most military wives with kids don't work. Add in a full time job and all of the household junk and all of a sudden the world is spinning and all you want is for it to slow down. When I do finally just say, "It can wait, I need to relax." I am so tired that I zone out. Last night I watched American Idol, and I was zombiefied, and it had nothing to do with the show... Ok, maybe a little bit to do with the show. It was terrible.

I couldn't have it any other way though. I'm not the type of person who can stay home sitting around eating, reading, and watching television as my life passes me by. I have to interact with people. As anti-social as I am, I have to be productive.

There is so much going on from day to day that it's almost as if I need a filter. I try to do everything, fix everything, be everything. It's just the way I am.

You know what's funny... I don't even remember where I was going with this blog.
But the cheerios on the floor make me wish Chasey was still here.

I'm going to go pick up Cheerios.... and then write a letter to my husband if I can get off the floor.

Hoop Jumping

Most of the responsibilities of being a grown up I don't mind. I have a certain amout of patience and realize that some things are outside of my control. Things go in stride and everything works out eventually.

Dealing with Health Insurance and Medical Providers is not one of the areas I am tolerant of. In fact, I would say that dealing with doctors offices and insurance companies has to be the most unpleasant part of being a responsible adult.

How much is it to ask that between one insurance company and one doctors office that one person would know what the hell is going on besides myself? HMO's and PPO's and HML's and preferred providers and primary providers and out of area providers... what the hell!?

How hard would it be to give those beneficiaries who pay for coverage a list of doctors that they can go to under their policy? (Without a referral from another doctor, from another doctor, from another doctor who learned the art of voodoo witchcraft from a vietnamese medicine woman under a waning moon in Venice?) Then one could call that doctor and give them their insurance policy number, schedule and appointment, and at said appointment said beneficiary could be billed for services rendered!?

TA-FREAKIN'-DA!

There I have fixed the healthcare crisis. Well this idea and the idea that all doctors are paid on a salary basis, rated on performance and education, through a mass provider of officials in highly elected government positions.

So after talking to several people today I finally have a scheduled appointment with my OBGYN for my first trimester (ahem second trimester) exam.

HAHA! BUT WAIT! That would be tooooo easy!

Miss receptionist did not inform me until the end of the mental obstacle course that my doctor was on vacation for 2 months and would not be returning until the middle of March.

Hooray for me. Her sister also runs practice from the same office and I have seen her before when my doctor was not available. She was available for an appointment next week.

At this point I think everyone in the Mercy San Juan medical community has seen everything that there is to see after the birth of my daughter anyhow, so I don't care who does the initial exam as long as I can get an a-ok on the well being of this baby.

Oh yes, and the website with the listings for locations to issue my military ID was inaccurate (which is also my insurance card). I had to call D's recruiter, who was not in the office, so I called his cell, he said to give him a call back at 5pm and he could locate the address and phone number for me to call and schedule and appointment.

Welcome back to the Army life Kristi.

Parental Rantings

Everyday when I wake up in the morning I make the decision to be the person I would like to see my children to grown up to be. By no means am I saying that I am perfect. I make mistakes, everyone does, and I occasionally do things in retrospect that I find myself examining and saying "Why did you do that?" I fully expect them to make their own mistakes as they grow – some big, some not so big. If they don't learn from them, or question why they made them in the first place, that is where I will consider myself to have failed.

I live one life. I am myself, always. I have no plans to edit myself for content around my children. (Which is also why I have made the conscious effort to modify my use of profanity – because I believe it is unnecessary, and generally used in excess by those who are unable to articulate their feelings maturely) Why would I want to deceive them into thinking that I am someone that I am not? I would never do anything that the people I care about, and who care about me wouldn't be proud of. I will always put my children first. My friend Des models this style of parenting brilliantly. She displays at all times that there is no question or hesitation if her children are involved. Their needs and happiness come first no matter what. I adore her for that. In turn, she has two of the most intelligent and well adjusted children I have ever known.

I know that no matter what kind of people Duane and I are, our children will love us and look up to us in all situations as they grow up. As parents, being a role model is not an option, it is an obligation. It is our choice to be people that we want our kids to know. Deciding what to shield children from always has a grey area, but sometimes it's beyond control and it can't be avoided that they will experience the negative aspects in the world – especially if it is in your own home. Their eyes and ears catch all of the things you might not think they would – even those that aren't spoken. In situations that they may not understand children will always remember how things made them feel.

Stop and think about memories from your childhood. Usually your mind will bring forward pictures, people, events…. if you stop to question it… you will remember how you felt at each and every one of those memories, and even more, how you feel about them now.

I know many parents, who think of parenting like a job. When you go to work you have your business demeanor ready in hand to hand out to those who you don't know on a personal level. I also know other parents, who I choose not to associate with, who are so self-absorbed in finding their own identities outside of their family life and away from their children that they forget that they have responsibilities to attend to. I am not either of those types of parents.

I am so sick of hearing, "You have to make time for yourself." Or "Sometimes you have to put yourself first." Or the ever popular, "If you don't do what makes you happy, how do you expect your children to be happy?" Each of these is nothing more than a self-assuring mantra to cover up guilt over not doing what is best for the children involved – generally uttered by co-dependant and bored stay at home housewives who are ignorant of how to lead a fulfilling life on their own. If you weren't happy enough with yourself and your life before you had children, perhaps you shouldn't have made the decision to have them. However, women are generally stupid in thinking that having a baby will fill some emotional void that they blame someone else in their life for. Usually these phrases come from the mouths of those same parents that drop their kids with a babysitter way too often, and generally display a multitude of self-destructive behavior including excessive drinking, drug use, and infidelity in relationships. These are generally also the parents who would interpret random acts by their children (as seen on TV) to be an example of their "good" parenting and not actually their attempt to redirect their parent's attention. What I have never understood, is why parents like this follow the mentality that in order for self-improvement to be made within themselves, it can only be done while sacrificing something else – usually on the part of their children. Isn't that counter-active? I certainly know that I wouldn't be a happier person knowing that I am taking something from my children.

Have we really reached a point in society when the best interest of children comes second to their parents? We seem to be in a "pampered generation", where the pursuit of individual happiness is all encompassing, and at all costs. Looking out for number one, and taking advantage of every opportunity to simplify personal tasks in life seems to be the societal norm.

Sure, you could leave the kid(s) in daycare for a few more hours to run your errands more easily….

You could allow your child to neglect his homework and studies until he gets to the point where he falls behind…

You could spend your evenings in front of the computer or television instead of playing games or reading books with your children….

You could spend that extra $50 on something nice for yourself instead of putting it in a savings account for your children's education….

And along the way where do your kids learn about how a household runs, how to value your independent time, and how important responsible financing is? They don't!

But they would notice that their parent doesn't take them to different places when they could, that education isn't that important and falling behind has no consequence, that droning out the world is an acceptable means of quality time, and that appearances are much more important than planning for the future.

Unsurprisingly enough, the number of divorced parents raising children in two separate environments with different sets of moral principles, rules, and responsibilities is at the highest level it has ever been. I don't know a single instance of a family like this getting along. Even if one side makes attempts to appease the other and offer some sort of compromise, the other side usually views it as a threat and proceeds to retaliate in their own ways.

Fortunately I believe that the number of kids placed in these situations will be going down in the future.

Duane and I had a conversation yesterday that questioned why so few of our friends have children. I brought up the point that I had noticed it isn't just our friends, it's the majority of our entire generation. We are the generation of the individuals where each person is striving to be an original in a world full of originality. (How ironic!) Maybe that's good. We didn't end at an opinion on the lack of children our friends have. We did agree that the argument of "waiting until the right time" to have children is ridiculous. No matter what your status or situation in life, having children will change it.

I guess what I am trying to say, is how disappointed I am with most of the parents of our generation. The 25-35 year olds who currently have children and behave as indicated above. Not all of the parents that I know are like this, but I have met more than enough that are, to leave me with no questions as to why children today have more and more problems.