Closure

Until about an hour ago, I thought today had been a bad day.

I got Aidynn and myself ready to take care of a few of the usual household chores of the weekend - laundry and grocery shopping and we left this morning around 11:30.

We got into the car... and it wouldn't start.

The third try it finally started and it was not a good sound. The entire car was shaking and it died quite a few times. My apartment complexes repairman came over and told me that he thought it sounded like the catalytic converter or the spark plugs and I told him I had just had the spark plugs replaced 2 months ago when I got it tuned up at Midas. He recommended a place to take it for a diagnostic. When I left the parking lot and the car would not change gears until it reached 4000 RPM and kept dying I knew it wouldn't make it to the place he recommended. So, I stopped at the first open repair shop that I found.

For $89 to run a diagnostic, I sat with my daughter in my lap for 4 hours waiting for the shop guy to tell me that the wrong spark plugs had been installed and blown out the coil in my car. He didn't know if the catalytic converter had been effected yet or not, but it definitely wasn't a good idea to drive it that way or it would definitely blow it out. He could fix the plugs (cheap) and the coil (not cheap) for around $800, but the parts wouldn't be there until Tuesday.

Midas installed the wrong parts in my car and caused $800 (so far) in damage.

I still have my receipt. I plan on calling Midas again on Monday. They were not open when I finally got home today. I will give them the option of fixing the damage, paying for the damage, or being sued for the damage.

During all of this I was speaking with Duane off and on. I was stressed beyond belief. I don't have $800 to pay for car repairs right now! How was I going to get the laundry done? How was I going to get groceries? How was I going to get Aidynn to daycare and myself to work on Tuesday and get the car to the repair place? How was I going to PAY for it?? I can't miss work on Tuesday - my coworker is on vacation, and my other coworker is pulling a half day - they need me!

Stress. Stress. Stress.

I think I have it mostly figured out - I'm not going into it. The purpose of this blog is to put down what I realized only about an hour ago.

All my life - and I mean ALL MY LIFE - I have taken care of others. I am a caretaker. It is what I do. I was raised to be this way - almost programmed by my immature and neglectful parents. I have always put everyone else first, and myself last. I have always placed my needs and wants to the side and focused on what I could do to make those that I love happy. It was first pointed out to me about 8 years ago in therapy when I was caring for my siblings. After I was made aware of it, I noticed that I always cared for everyone - my parents, my siblings, my friends, my (now ex) husband... everyone but myself. I have made peace with it, and it is who I am. I am happy with that part of myself. It is selfless and caring and compassionate. I do know that I need to take more - or at least leave something for myself - I just don't know how most of the time.

I was watching television, and there was a couple in which the woman had a lot of the same care taking issues that I have had in the past. Her husband was a selfish and self centered person who was so self involved that he had no idea what his wife wanted, let alone how many ways he was neglecting her. I thought to myself, "What a pig. He reminds me a lot of my ex-husband. How could you claim to care about someone and treat them that way. How could you say you love someone and not WANT to take care of them? I am so lucky that I have Duane......."

Then the light bulb went off. I bitch and moan and complain - and he listens. I tell him my feet hurt - he rubs them. I don't even have to ask him to - he cooks for me and cleans things because he knows I like order. He randomly sends me messages and pictures just to tell me that he loves me and that he is thinking about me. Even if there is something that is not in his best interest, but it would make me happy - he does it. He always seems to know what I need from him - and he is the only person to even know how I am feeling about something before I do or how to clarify something so that my mind can understand it.

He is the only person I have ever had in my life who places me first and makes sure that I am taken care of.

I can't say that I didn't notice before that he treats me well - that much is obvious. I just never had the clarity to see that whenever I have a problem or need something, he is always right there. I never had that before him. Someone is taking care of me! No one has ever done that. I finally have someone I can depend on no matter what, at any time, for whatever I need - to have that requited is completely novel to me. He does it because he loves me and for no other reason.

I can't even put into words how much he means to me.

I think I had given up on ever finding someone like him, and convinced myself that I would never have this kind of love. I am mildly amused that I have had it for this long without putting it all together! To finally realize this... brings some closure to a very large piece of my life. Closure that I never thought I would find.