IMpression

Do you feel that?

People are pulling back. Pulling away from each other. Closing themselves inside to prevent the world from getting in.

At first I thought it was a random day for me a few weeks ago. You know, those days when I just don't feel motivated for anything? When I could happily pull the covers over my head and sleep it away and hope for a better view on life tomorrow?

I've not had much to write, and hardly the inspiration to write it. So I have pulled back a bit in the last few weeks.

I thought it was just me on a down day, and then that day happened again a little too soon for my liking, and I began watching.....

People aren't available. There is an aura pushing down on the shoulders of everyone you meet forcing their heads down.

Even here, in our blogging community I have been missing a few of my subscriptions, as they just haven't had much to write, nothing to post, or are reposting older material.

So what is this shadow? Is it the state of economic affairs? I think so. In the land of consumerism the almighty dollar makes and breaks lives. Even those lives that don't appear to be affected directly. That sadness is spreading like disease. A plague of the heart.

It's affecting me. It's affecting those I love. It's affecting those I barely know.

I have friends who are experiencing issues with their health, friends who are experiencing grief over the loss of a loved one, friends who are experiencing the helplessness of being treated unfairly, friends who are worried for their families and costs of basic living, friends in relationships that are crumbling, and friends who I know need a shoulder but can't bring themselves to ask for it.

(I love you all!)

It weighs down my heart.

But what can I do? What can any of us do to fight against something as strong as desperation? How do you counter negativity?

I have no idea how to "fix" it. I do think we can all do something to help though.

A few weeks after joining GBE, nearly a year ago now, this topic came up:

Random Acts of Kindness.

So, here's the idea:

If you wrote a blog on this topic, repost it. If you didn't, write one. What do you think about RAoK? Give your readers some inspiration! That's it. Spreading some love and compassion around our community could definitely do us all some good. Change our mindset, and plant some ideas, and I can promise you a ripple effect.

It might be a challenging blog to write at a time when everything seems so pessimistic, but think of all the GOOD that could come out of it.

If a fraction of my subscribers responds to this- if I can inspire even a few of them to smile and do something good for someone else... that's a lot of love that's been created.

So please, write the blog. Read and respond to others who do as well.


And keep watching.

xoxo

What I Have Left Behind

Dear Mom,

17 years.....

That's how long it has been that I have blamed you for things in my life that have been wrong. 17 years ago you came home, drunk and drugged, after a 4 day binge of being who knows where. It was Saturday. I missed school. I had to. I had 5 younger siblings to look after while you were off being a 30 year old teenager. While I was at home being a 14 year old mother of 5.

There was no food in the house. Fortunately I knew how to pick the lock to your piano room and found the food stamps that you had forgotten to sell. I took 6 year old Caleb, who was sick and had to stay home, and walked the 4 miles to the grocery store that morning. It was raining, but we needed to eat... and I had no idea when you would be home.

I had lost track of how many times you disappeared for days, but that day, I reached a breaking point. When I asked you where you had been, your only reply was "None of your damn business." and you locked yourself in your room. As usual.

I sent my brothers and sister outside to play.

I don't remember what I yelled at you, but I do recall it being very loud and very much something that should normally never be spoken by a child to their mother. I meant every word. "You are a terrible mother"... "I didn't have these children, why am I raising them"... "No wonder Dad left you"... and that got your attention.

"I'm not doing this anymore!"

"You'll do whatever the hell I tell you to! You are the child, I am the adult!"

"Then maybe you should start acting like it! Start acting like a MOM and not like a DRUNK!"

That was when I saw your hand come up. Much to my surprise I didn't flinch this time. I didn't move. I continued to meet your angry stare. Surpassing the aim and balance of someone who is half drunk is no major feat, but as my mother, in my eyes, you were 10 feet tall....

When I felt myself retaliate I could hardly believe it was me, hitting you only once, and knocking your ass straight to the ground.

"I'm leaving."

And I did.

So. 17 years. And still not a day goes by that I don't feel pain in my heart for leaving my brothers and sister behind. I learned to live with that guilt, and in those years have done everything I possibly could to help them as I watched them grow up being passed from home to home and from person to person. I took them in when I could. I fed them. I gave them money. I helped them when they were in trouble. I never turned them away.

Every time they came to me, every time they needed a Mom, I would ask you in my mind, "Where have you been?"

Most of them have kids of their own now. I have kids of my own now. I am a wonderful Mommy. I love my girls, I put them before everything else, and I make sure that they are secure and safe. I thank you for that. You showed every one of us the parent we would never want be.

The last time I spoke with you, you asked me what you ever did to cause me to hate you. My reply was that I didn't hate you, and I told you some of what I remember.

You claimed that it didn't happen. You still deny it all. You don't remember.

My siblings and I are close, and we all remember.

You've drowned it all out. Forgotten everything. You let life break you.

I almost let it break me once.... and then I learned that sometimes you have to take care of yourself in order to love anyone else. You have to surround yourself with those that you love, and who love you in return; those who want what is best for you. Some people simply want to bring you down to their level to justify their misery...

17 years later I have found my peace with it all, and I forgive you everything. But there is no room for you here unless you change. No room in my life or my daughters'. There is a lot of good in life if you take the time to live it and love what you have. I hope someday you realize that.

I just wrote this so that you would know that I am not gone; but this is why you got left behind.


Sincerely,

Me

Gravity draws through her body in every direction with a rhythm that pulses its purpose.

A sensual intoxication.

The air is silk on skin.

Versicolor flashes of carnal shapes lost in exuberant kinetic pantomime surround her as she moves.



Eyes wide shut; a match against her skin, as secret hands delicately embrace from behind and their bodies melt together in uniform vibration.


The beat washing over her until she's drowning.

The DJ orchestrates her passion for this mysterious touch.

The rapid bass in measure with their breath; his heavy on the flesh of her neck.

Tomorrow it will all be a dream, and she will wonder who he was.... but for now she's lost in knowing that it
doesn't matter.

Competition

She steps from the shower wiping the steam from the mirror and sees her reflection scowling. Three hours before leaving her home she maintains her meticulous routine. Every hair in place. The perfect pout. Longer lashes. Flawless skin. Narrow waist. The Anna Sui dress; so business appropriate. Never a wrinkle. Crisp. The Manolo Blahnik pumps. New. Her Coach bag beside her as she heads out the door. Composed. The cover of a magazine. Independent. Answering to no one. She tightens her coat. She hails a cab.

_________________________

At the bus stop waits a woman and a child. Every day, everyday. 30 minutes out of bed. Brush of hair - usually. Brush of teeth. Well worn running constantly shoes. Sweatshirt. Small jacket. Warm breakfast out the door. Hand knit hats and scarves mock the chill. Lunchbox check. Backpack check. Fussing with her chapstick tube; only for necessity. A wrinkled dollar bill out of wrinkled denim pockets for milk. A kiss, a hug, and off he goes. She smiles at him. A child smiles back.

__________________________

A cab is stopped at the street corner waiting for school children to board a bus. The woman in the back seat looks out her door upon the toil of motherhood and the needs of a child exceeded. In the smile given, and the smile recieved there's a pang of longing; for a beauty she can't compete with.

I Can See God

When I was a child, my mother would drag my 5 siblings and I to church. Always Christian, usually Pentecostal, never without a fight.

I recall sitting in Sunday school thinking that this woman who was singing songs to me about bubbles in her soul and telling me that some guy who built a boat was able to get 2 of every animal in the world on it was absolutely nuts. I wasn't buying it, and I wondered how she could - and spent a lot of time trying to figure out if she really did. However, it was better than sitting out with the adults for the adult sermon. When they began speaking in tongues it gave me the heebie-jeebies.

Kinda like this -

HEEEEEBIE-JEEEEEBIES!

So when I outgrew Sunday school I volunteered to do infant care.

A pretty rough childhood, followed by a rocky set of teenage years, (and really, early adulthood was no picnic either) left me looking for that question of "Why? Why are we here? There has to be some sense to it, right?"

I went day by day looking for answers to those questions that no one knows. Studying every religion I could get my eyes and ears on, and finding pieces of truth - MY truth - scattered in between, but never on a whole. Every religion has it;s own set rules - it's own dogma. I kept looking for my label. Never able to embrace atheism, unable to call myself agnostic, although I didn't have religion of my own.

The last wish of my former husbands dying grandmother was that my marriage embrace the Christian faith. Now that's a whole lot of guilt to lay on a person. It was considered, but decided that I could never be forced to believe in something. It doesn't work that way. I don't work that way. I don't understand how anyone can think others could be coerced or forced into a religion. Long gone are the days of "believe or else".

I think that was the turning point for me; when I stopped asking everyone else the questions and began asking them to myself. What matters to me? Why do I want to be here? What is my purpose? Who am I?

I think when you go through dark times for so long, it makes that light so much brighter when it's finally there. I had to make a choice:

Live or Don't.

So I lived. I stopped trying to force life to happen and I just let it happen.

What does that have to do with God? Everything.

LIVE!

Love yourself enough to let the stress of life go once in a while. Love others enough to let them be who they are! We don't have to have all the answers. We can drive ourselves crazy with who, what, when, where, why, how - and in the end, it doesn't matter one bit unless you experience life for yourself. If you can let go of your worries just long enough to look outside yourself, the view is magnificent.

Serving others.
Breathing in fresh air.
The smell of a newborn baby.
The laugh of a child.
Whatever makes you smile.

In the end I realized: I don't need a label. I've had faith my entire life.

How can I see God in all of this?

How can you not?

Call me old-fashioned… but I’m going to JUDGE you.

If you would be so kind as to read this and allow me to bounce some ideas off of you, we might be able to grow together... please see the note at the bottom regarding comments.

Thanks ♥

Everywhere I look on MySpace, I see placards and graphics like these:

Even my personal favorite –

They all have the same message: "Don't Judge Me". What a sweet idea...

What I want to know is; why not? What makes you so sugar-special?

In this case:

Judge – verb:

To form a judgment or opinion of; decide upon critically: You can't judge a book by its cover.

Everyone judges others on some level. I am comfortable with my experiences in going as far as to say that there is no one who can say that in the first 10 seconds of meeting someone that they are not passing some form of judgment. It is ingrained in the human response to do so. Hear (er.. read) me out...

Be My Guinea? Pretty please? ^_~:

Do a random internet image search for "WOMAN" and look at the first picture of one that you see for at least 5 seconds…

........

No really. Do it...

What do you think of her?

Nice hair?

Eyes?

Lips?

Does she seem friendly?

Congratulations, you've just passed judgment on appearance. Do you think you would have done that without my prompting? C'mon… you know you would.

Now what if I tell you that the same image of the woman you were looking at has recently been arrested for possession of illegal substance and is under suspicion for child neglect?

Did you feel that? That brain flip that your mind just did? Maybe a little twist in your stomach? What is that?

Now why do you think that anyone would feel that it was "wrong" for you to pass judgment on her for her own choices?

The answer?

Because those same people don't want to be held accountable for their own actions that could possibly be viewed by society as taboo and for which they would face consequence.

Pretty damn steep, eh?

CAUTION: Big words a'comin'…..

I have a theory that includes the idea that many of the negative social issues the American civilization is currently experiencing are due to the fact that a mentality of "Don't Judge Me (or Others)" is being placed upon an altar. In previous generations, there was social consequence for immoral behavior. (I am leaving religion out of this one people.) There were standards set on what was right and wrong, ingrained by the generations before them, and the areas have become more and more "grey" on where those lines are drawn.

In my opinion, the more liberal shades of grey began, unsurprisingly, about the same time both parents began working outside the home and placing children into the care of others.

*Inject "Greatest Love of All" lyrics HERE.

Now, here I need to clarify, I am not bashing on daycare at all. My previous career was that of a care-giver; both as a nanny and as a certified provider of in home care for developmentally disabled.

What I have a problem with is when the children of working parents are placing their children secondary due to longer working hours and the ideas of "placing themselves first". This would be the aspect of immorality and an instilled idea of "I matter most".

(Immoral [Selfish] vs. Moral [Unselfish} definition is a topic that has more than enough content to fill up another blog or 20.)

In essence; while the idea of "Don't Judge Me" might sound liberating at first, by removing the act of judgment by peers you remove the consequence of shame.

It's not the judgment that so many fear – it's the persecution by peers. Which may just be warranted, and if it's not then what should it matter to ones self. As long you are leading the life that is beneficial to society and in effect "moral", most likely the opinions you are having stated against you are the result of an opposing ideal of what that should be.

There is a simple way to prevent persecution and know which "side" you are on. Simply ask yourself who is benefitting from your actions; and if any may be harmed. There is a balance – even in grey areas.

A society, in which its people have no shame nor fear of judgment, leaves phenomenal potential for chaos. Turning a blind eye to the immoral doesn't necessarily even out to "live and let live". Instead, it leaves enormous opportunity for the decline of a civilization.

Not to sound like a doomsayer, but it's not coming. It's happening right now.

Instead of the concept of "Don't Judge Me", I have learned to accept that I cannot control the will of others. People will always judge and be judged. Instead, perhaps we should all begin to turn our minds to the thought of making our own choices based on what's best for the whole, not just the self, and live our lives in such a way that we no longer fear that judgment.

*Authors note: This is not written to offend or condemn anyone. These are simply my (most likely unoriginal) ideas and opinions and I am curious to hear the opinions of other readers/bloggers on the subjects addressed regardless of their objection or agreement. As long as we remain mature and civil in conversation all comments will be allowed. Comment interject as necessary, but as always, if you're rude or offensive to anyone, you get the boot and will be deleted.

Perception

Our worlds are based on independent filters. Perspective and perception are such broad topics, but both matters come down to individuality.

The thing about personal perception, I wonder, is when it comes down to it - what does it really matter? You can do your damnedest to be a good person - the person YOU want to be and approve of - and even if you feel you are doing an adequate job of that, there is almost always going to be someone who does not approve/understand/agree - especially since personality's conflict at times.

I think it all comes down to perception being too much of an ego based idea; the larger the ego, the more aggressive the opinions, the more profound the inability to understand the variances of perception. Spend too much time worrying what others think of you and where will it lead?

It's a large part of the problems with the evolution versus creation debate. No one can win that argument. It is all based on personal experience and the perception it inspires.

Every member of the human race is a dynamic force. Constantly growing energy, cleverly disguised as flesh, absorbing the smallest particles from an intricate weave of thought, action, and time – not generally aware of the gradual takeover of their perceptions.

It's almost frightening to think about – you have no control over it. Your perception must change.

I can shake your hand one moment, and greet you in all honest sincerity. You may notice that I smile at you, and you may think that I am kind. Or not.

If you were to forget me an instant later, and greet me the next day I would be a different person – and so would you. Together it is possible that we could form different conclusions of each other.

It is still on my profile page, and was my headline for the longest time;

"'That's not my real reflection', she said. 'I've changed so much since then most people barely recognize me.'"

Perhaps not on such an immediate scale, but every one of us can look into our past reflections and identify with our previous selves; while noticing at the same time that we are much different now.

Along with the positive attention that a few of my blogs have received has come some unwanted attention. Recently, I was called "fake" here on MySpace by someone who barely knew me long ago; seemingly a whole other lifetime for me. Fake because I am NICE and they presume that in reality I am not. I'm not upset by the comment, because it's entirely possible that within their perception of the person they knew, who I am now could be a completely different person.

Example:

The person I was before probably would have jumped up to meet the attack and to justify and defend her position. Also most likely insult and ridicule the person or the unwarranted opinion – and most likely in a very venomous way. It's a knee jerk reaction to behave immaturely. I will plead guilty to past transgressions.

The person I am now, however, could care less what they have to say. I am not this person's friend, in fact at one point I really didn't like them – for reasons that I feel are justifiable still. Now, I find this person and those feelings irrelevant. What they think of me is irrelevant. I am not responsible for their opinions or feelings. I am not responsible for their actions. I am only responsible for my own.

Apparently, my perception has altered.

Those friends, who have taken the time to get to know me, know very well that I am not "fake". I am who I am. I am happy, and I have far too many more important things in my life to focus on, and much better things to do with my time than to sit in front of my computer (in my rarely occurring free time) pretending to be something I am not.

I'm too busy focusing on the things that matter.

"I once had a garden filled with flowers that grew only on dark thoughts, but they need constant attention & one day I decided I had better things to do."

I can't pretend to know how apologies should/can/will be interpreted by everyone. All I can write of is what they are to me.

Most everything that I do, I do with intention. Despite what my husband may believe (or has convinced himself), I do make mistakes and I have hurt people unintentionally in the past. When these things have happened, and I was sincerely remorseful, I apologized. I have never had too much pride when it comes to admitting that I made a mistake, but...

If I am not sorry, I will not apologize.

Words are nothing without sincerity.

Does that make me heartless; to knowingly have hurt someones feelings and not apologize for it? Maybe. Then again... perhaps it is simply a difference of opinion and I consider the other party to have been oversensitive to the subject. Maybe I was just being a bitch. (It happens!) Like most things in life it all comes down to a matter of personal perspective.

An argument that I went over in my head earlier today was that apologies and forgiveness are both simply for justification of action and selfish purpose for both parties involved - even if they are meant with sincerity. There is benefit for the person who offers the apology in relieving guilt, and there is benefit for the acceptor in forgiveness in releasing anger and resentment. How very self serving for both, right?

What about love?

I believe this is where the difference lies.

When there is love behind the remorse and regret offered in an apology, there is no forgiveness expected - the apology would still stand without it. When forgiveness is granted in love, there was no apology necessary - the forgiveness would have been given regardless. Both offerings come with the desire on both parts to see the other person happy - even if it means to place the other before themselves.

It becomes a dance - a social ritual - of love. A demonstration of accepting the other person, be it lover, friend, child, parent, whomever, as they are and acknowledging the fact that everyone makes mistakes in life and we are able to accept - and love - that person as they are and sometimes in spite of them.

When I am wrong, I will never apologize unless I am sincere. I will never apologize with less than love behind my words.

Even if it is as simple as....

"I am sorry you aren't feeling well." - I truly AM sorry and I offer my apology with love and hope that you will feel better.

"I am sorry that you are having a difficult time right now." - I have sympathy for your circumstances and I offer love and my friendship if they will help you at all.

"I am sorry that you cannot see things the way that I do." - I can accept that we have a difference of opinion and through love I can accept you as you are.

Sometimes apologies and forgiveness become less about the actions and the words, and more about what can't be seen or spoken. Either without love, can hardly compare.

Contact High

I consider myself fortunate to have some of the best friends on the internets. Through friends of friends and blogging groups I have met some of the best people out there! They are happy and awesome people who have good hearts and intelligent minds. Every one of my them has given me something either through their words or actions that I adore. I carry every one of them in a special place in my heart.

I am very particular about who I add to my friends list, not because I am judgmental (which I can be, because I do have my expectations), but because there is one member of the myspace community who believes it is her personal mission to upset my peace.

I can honestly say that I have sympathy for this person and I wish that they could find their own closure for their hatred. Sincerely. No one can carry so much animosity without it eating away at them. I believe their life could be so much happier if they let go of the ego. Not let go because her actions cause me distress, because they truly don't. Partial truths, misconstruction of facts, and altered personal perceptions written for attention and personal validation will never change MY truth or who I am and how comfortable I am with those things - regardless of any name calling and continual attempts at bullying through other methods. Let go because stepping back, anyone can see a lot of pain and anger and a misconception of true inner peace that is confused with self acceptance. I can accept that, and I forgive her for it.

But you can't change people or make them see things from a different perspective can you?

I posed a question to my friends, and I asked them all for their advice on the situation the other day. I had a conversation with one of them (I'm not sure is she wishes to be identified, but she knows who she is, and how much I appreciate her help!) that clarified so much for me - and it really kind of shook me that I never realized it before.

She told me that this person is an "Energy Vampire".

I cannot find the words to describe it any better than it was described for me so I will simply paste what was written to me.

"By what she described in her blog and how she responds to comments, she needs to suck energy from other people......and it's easier to make people let go of their negative, than positive. So, in essence she has "baited" people to respond with negative emotion....She's also obviously working hard to bait you."

It IS so much easier for people to release their negative energy than it is for them to release the positive, and especially when in groups like a blogging forum. Everyone has anger and sadness in their lives and everyone needs an outlet. Some find that outlet by negative words. I know that, for me, the internet is a personal retreat and a way for me to find some relaxation in my busy life. Not for negativity. I have chosen other, much more positive methods for dealing with the stress that life can sometimes bring.

I laugh with these people who touch my heart. I blog my thoughts and opinions. I vent my frustrations in life - and not forgetting my joys I express those as well. I exercise my creativity through my layouts and web designs. It may not be all of me, but it is ALL ME.

So you know what I would like? I would like for any of my readers who come here, and any of my friends who stop in just to say "hello" to leave my pages with positive energy. I want them to know that I am happy that they were here to share in my thoughts, life experiences, and friendship. I want them to share with me their own and never be afraid of judgment for their opinions.

I am going to continue to be happy with my family, friends, and my life. I am going to continue to evolve into the person I want my children to be like. I will continue to just breathe, and continue to let go of the things I cannot change even if i am of the opinion that it would be for the best if they did.

I'll continue to aspire to always bring joy to the people I care for - and as I said in my last blog, whenever they are around me the best way to describe how they feel when they leave?

Contact High.

Independence

It's been one beautiful year for me! So much has happened, and things have definitely progressed quickly. The time has gone by so fast. I have so much more independence now, I even amaze myself at times. I have grown so much. It may sound like I am gloating, but please allow me to share all that I have accomplished with you. I hope you will understand why I am so proud of myself.

I am so much more in control of things around me - before it felt as if I would stare at something forever and it would never get any closer no matter how badly I wanted the object of my focus. Now? If I see something that I want, I reach out and take it.

A year ago I felt so stationary. I wanted to move from my current surroundings and position, but I just couldn't find the strength or the ability to actually do it. It took a lot of practice, but I am finally going where I want to, and when I want to.

My mind! Oh my mind, it has absorbed so much. This seemingly new reality and life has opened up to me with endless possibilities! I have realized that I am surrounded by unconditional love and surrounded by people who want what is best for me. My family does everything that they can to encourage me to learn and live life curiously! I make my own choices, mistakes, and am learning that to everything in life there is consequence. I feel like I take in information now like my brain is a sponge!

I am learning that if I do not use my words, those around me cannot understand what I want. I am getting better at communicating my needs as an individual. (Clear communication is an important part of relationships I am learning.)

I am happy just being who I am.
I have developed a better idea of my own personal preferences.
I say "Thank you" (most of the time) to those who do things for me when I cannot do them myself.
I play nicely with others and am gracious when they share with me.
I can walk.
I can use a spoon on my own.
I can help pick out my own clothes.
I snuggle with my Mommy to show her that I love and appreciate her.
I decide what books I want to read and learn from each day.

It really is amazing what one can accomplish in a year in regards to personal independence.

The above is a point of view on independence that might be according to my daughter who just turned 1 year old - if she could communicate it. All of the dedication that infants show just in their first year of life is amazing isn't it? Imagine if that same determination and dedication was practiced by adults in achieving their own independence or goals....

I love me. Do you love you?

I am definitely not an insecure person.

I love me - just celebrated my 3 year anniversary of loving myself btw! It took nearly 25 years to get to this point, but it sticks once you do.

I don't think I agree with him on something - I can't blame the media for the insecurities of the masses - sure it feeds the fire, but media is unnecessary. If that much television is watched, magazines are browsed, newspapers are read, and even blogs, are absorbed they become REAL to a person. One of the few things my mother said that was valid when I was a child - "It's only television, none of it is real."

NONE OF IT IS REAL. It's illusion -

Look around right now at your life. What did you do today? Did it include supermodels making you binge and purge? Did you have lunch with a political running candidate explaining why you are morally wrong? Are there cameras following you just to see if you fuck up?

Then ask yourself: How much time today did you spend online, watching tv, reading the paper, reading a magazine, etc? Did you feel nervous when talking to a new person? Did you try to make yourself out to be someone you weren't? Have you lied? Have you wished you were different than who you are? Made yourself appear to be someone you are not?

People sacrifice their self esteem to the media gods. It isn't taken - it is freely given.

I love the video ad J placed in his blog. So much in fact that about 2 years ago I posted the exact same clip in a blog of its own after my beautiful friend Des sent it to me.

For children, it is the responsibility of their parents to teach them to love themselves for who they are - and how are those parents to do that if they have insecurities about who they are as well? Those parents need to take responsibility for the education of their children, not shelter them from it. Being sheltered only guarantees a more focused fascination with what is new once they are exposed to what they had hidden from them.

Once children become adults it then becomes their own responsibility to be the person they choose to be, decide for themselves who they are, but sadly some people actually LIKE their insecurities.

Who would they be without their insecurity? Who would they be without the experiences of their past? What would happen if they stopped blaming others and trying to make them uncomfortable for "making" them feel slighted? What identity could they claim without their misery? If they gave up all their insecurities and just learned to be HAPPY... what would they DO with their time of not being self conscious and bitter?

I am who I am.
I do a lot of things and have a few beliefs that other people would think were taboo or inappropriate. *GASP* Ready for some of them?

• I put my husband and my children before myself - always. I think women who place themselves before their own kids are selfish.

• I will always love my daughters more than I love my stepchildren.

• I speak my opinions without being asked.

• I am pretty conservative in my political views and don't really mind if others are offended by my extremist ethics. I'm not forcing them on anyone.

• I can be very judgmental and I am a bit self righteous.

• I use profanity - sometimes a lot.

• I set expectations for myself and for others. I have worked my ass off to raise my siblings and myself for the majority of my life without help. There is honor in that, and I am proud of what I have accomplished.

• I teach my children (and my siblings) that respect is not to be demanded. Respect is to be earned, but there is a reason for rules and authority.

• At times, I might seem like a royal brat, but I CAN do what I want and say what I want - and I won't just write it in a blog or journal I SPEAK up.

• ... and so much more!

If others can't handle any of that - no one says they have to be around me, and I certainly won't begrudge them or follow them when they leave. I know what matters in my life, have come to terms with my mistakes, learned my lessons so far, and have FORGIVEN. Not only myself, but others as well.

I'm just living my own life happily, and enjoying what I am learning along the way.

Knowing all of this about myself, AND that I am very intelligent, funny, am an amazing wife and doting mother and faithful friend, I have integrity, I am honest, I am healthy, I work hard and am able to support my family, (plus I have big boobs and amazing legs! *laughs* KIDDING!) and the list goes on - how could I be insecure about ME no matter what anyone else might "think"? I know me better than anyone else.

♥ I love me. Do you love you?

Dreams

I have often thought about my dreams, I can remember nearly every dream I have come the morning. In my past dreams I have been as fearful, as joyful, as devastated, and as impartial as I have ever been in waking life. I've always been fascinated by those that claim that they "dream in color", because I don't know what that means.

- I know that I dream.

- I know that things in my dreams have colors (doesn't everything in life?).

- Does that mean I dream in color??

I came to conclusion long ago that I dream through my heart. I dream in emotion. Everything that happens in my life, if it has any significant emotion attached to it, that emotion comes through to me in my dreams - whether I try to ignore it or not.

I don't dream often. In fact, before I became pregnant with my first child, I would have said I dreamt maybe once a month - if even that.

Everything changes with pregnancy. Especially dreams. Being pregnant the majority of the last 2 years I am a perfect example of someone who knows. I have visited planes of insanity that I am sure not even the most prestigious psychiatrist would want to hear of.

It's amazing the simultaneous clarity and delusion that hormones can bring. What I dream now is so different - and so much more frequent - than what I had dreamed before.

Just today I was telling my coworker about a dream I had when I was about 7 months pregnant with my first daughter......

I was sitting in a room by myself, happily talking to my very pregnant belly, when a nice man walked up to me. He introduced himself. This man worked with animals in a zoo type environment.

I love animals!

He seemed like a nice man, so we began a conversation about nothing in particular.

A few visions later, I was walking into my house, and my husband was home sitting on the sofa. I was no longer pregnant! My husband seemed very surprised to see this, but he was even more surprised to see that I was carrying in my arms a chimpanzee!

"Honey, where is our baby??" he asked me.
"OH! I traded her for this monkey! From a very nice man. You would like him." was my response.
"You traded our baby for a monkey!?!?"
"Well...." I said, "I figured that we could always have another baby... but how many opportunities were we going to get to have a monkey!?"

**See note.


Now, before anyone begins throwing stones (or anything else more suiting with the dream), let me state here that I would never, NEVER, in waking life have considered trading my unborn (or born) child for a monkey..... although I do tell her sometimes, in jest, that I will trade her for one if she doesn't behave!

She's just turned 1. She doesn't care. In fact, she calls her stuffed monkey Daddy. I chuckle every time I correct her.... maybe that's why she keeps doing it.

After the dream I awoke very amused by my own minds creativity, and shared my amusement with my husband. He looked at me incredulously. I believe at the time he was attempting to determine if I could possibly, actually, realistically do something like that.

Thankfully he came to the (coerced) conclusion that I would not. Pft.

So, even though dreams come more frequently, they have so much less substance to them. Before, I could analyze and relate each dream I had to a situation in my life.

When I am pregnant, however, the only conclusion I can draw... is that I really really really want a monkey.

**Even now I nag myself that a chimpanzee is not a monkey, so please spare me the reprimands. I cannot control my subconscious mind. I consider that to be a good thing.

A Righteous Bitch!

This morning as Duane and I were driving me to work, we had a very amusing conversation that skated alongside topics such as religion, morality, my intolerance for stupidity, and self-righteousness. The conversation went something like this:

D & K: *chatter chatter banter banter*
K: I don't think I am a self-righteous person. I just know that a lot of the time people make poor choices that I wouldn't necessarily make for myself. Do you think I'm self righteous?
D: Well, yeah, but in a good way.
K: Huh. I don't think I am.... righteous, yes, but not self-righteous..... a lot of the time stupid people would be better off if they just stopped and asked themselves, "What would Kristi do?" *laughs*
D: *laugh* Oh yeah? Like a religion?
K: Oooh good idea, I should start a cult! Of course, it would have Christian based principles.... except for the "Thou shalt not take my name in vain thing" because I say Jesus Fuck and God Dammit way too much.
D: *laughs* We could call it "Kristi"anity
K: *laughs* Ooooh I like it! It's catchy.

Of course this conversation got me thinking. Like I do....

Am I a self-righteous person? Where is the line drawn between being virtuous and being self-righteous? Is there a line that can be drawn?

I know that I am a perfectionist, and I have a certain way that I like things to be in my life, and I have concrete beliefs. I believe in "right" (ie charity, loyalty, selfless actions, kindness, honesty, etc) and "wrong" (ie lying, cheating, stealing, cruelty, selfishness, etc) - basically Christian principles, even though I am not a Christian myself - and that people should be held accountable for their own actions and choices. I believe that everyone should aspire to be a "good" person. Some would say that I have exceptionally high standards that I expect of myself and others - especially those that I love. I hold onto mistakes made by myself and those that I am close to for a VERY long time. I forgive, but I do not forget. Do I consider it to be my place to enforce consequense or pass judgement on those who oppose my ideals, standards, or morals? Nope. Unless it effects me or someone that I care about in some way, I don't care what others think/say/do. My spiritual beliefs dictate that they will build their own karma. I do have a certain uncanny ability to judge character quickly and so far, in my entire life, have never been wrong in my perceptions.

Everyone passes judgement at one point or another on a person, issue, or an action. One's perceptions take precedence. Anyone who says they have never judged by these standards is a liar. (How's that for judgement?)

I try not to be a complicated person. When asked my opinion I can generally give an answer and a justification for what I believe. "Because I do" is not an acceptable answer to me. I have a low tolerance for quite a few things, but some issues irritate me more than others. In matters of friendship, generally I choose to not continue relationships that are have more cost than benefit. Relationships take work, I know, but if all they become is stress and effort what is the point in maintaning that balance? To me, there isn't one, and I will cut my losses. Harsh? Some people would think so.

Some of the identifiers of the self-righteous would be:
A "Holier-than-thou" attitude
Anger and bitterness
Unreasonable and "Closed-minded"
False Accusers (Liars)
Religious Supremacist
Jealousy
Manipulation
Intimidation
Gossip
Malice

Now I DO know myself well enough to know that I am none of those things continually. I will admit that at one point or another I have displayed some of those characteristics (not my finest moments) but we all make mistakes. Realistically, I know that I am better at some things than others mentally, physically, and spiritually. I also know that in some aspects there are going to be those who are better than I am at these things. That's just the way the world works. I'm ok with that. I know who I am and I love that person. I am constantly changing and trying to further myself, and I know what matters to me. I think that along with that comes a certain indignation that some people may not understand.

I spoke with Duane more about this at lunch. It's so nice to have someone to bounce ideas of of.

There are so many different aspects to examine in this. Since it is more of a philosophical arguement, and has no absolute answer because of ever-changing variables in my personality, I guess I won't come to any concrete conclusions.

I'm more than open to your opinions though. Which, if I were a self-righteous person, I suppose wouldn't be huh?


I found this, and even though it still hasn't concluded in anything (or convinced me to lean either way... would that be arguement on behalf?? LOL! Oh dear!) I still find it to be a FASCINATING read. I am surprised it is a textbook!

Psychotherapy and the Self-Righteous Patient