What I Have Left Behind

Dear Mom,

17 years.....

That's how long it has been that I have blamed you for things in my life that have been wrong. 17 years ago you came home, drunk and drugged, after a 4 day binge of being who knows where. It was Saturday. I missed school. I had to. I had 5 younger siblings to look after while you were off being a 30 year old teenager. While I was at home being a 14 year old mother of 5.

There was no food in the house. Fortunately I knew how to pick the lock to your piano room and found the food stamps that you had forgotten to sell. I took 6 year old Caleb, who was sick and had to stay home, and walked the 4 miles to the grocery store that morning. It was raining, but we needed to eat... and I had no idea when you would be home.

I had lost track of how many times you disappeared for days, but that day, I reached a breaking point. When I asked you where you had been, your only reply was "None of your damn business." and you locked yourself in your room. As usual.

I sent my brothers and sister outside to play.

I don't remember what I yelled at you, but I do recall it being very loud and very much something that should normally never be spoken by a child to their mother. I meant every word. "You are a terrible mother"... "I didn't have these children, why am I raising them"... "No wonder Dad left you"... and that got your attention.

"I'm not doing this anymore!"

"You'll do whatever the hell I tell you to! You are the child, I am the adult!"

"Then maybe you should start acting like it! Start acting like a MOM and not like a DRUNK!"

That was when I saw your hand come up. Much to my surprise I didn't flinch this time. I didn't move. I continued to meet your angry stare. Surpassing the aim and balance of someone who is half drunk is no major feat, but as my mother, in my eyes, you were 10 feet tall....

When I felt myself retaliate I could hardly believe it was me, hitting you only once, and knocking your ass straight to the ground.

"I'm leaving."

And I did.

So. 17 years. And still not a day goes by that I don't feel pain in my heart for leaving my brothers and sister behind. I learned to live with that guilt, and in those years have done everything I possibly could to help them as I watched them grow up being passed from home to home and from person to person. I took them in when I could. I fed them. I gave them money. I helped them when they were in trouble. I never turned them away.

Every time they came to me, every time they needed a Mom, I would ask you in my mind, "Where have you been?"

Most of them have kids of their own now. I have kids of my own now. I am a wonderful Mommy. I love my girls, I put them before everything else, and I make sure that they are secure and safe. I thank you for that. You showed every one of us the parent we would never want be.

The last time I spoke with you, you asked me what you ever did to cause me to hate you. My reply was that I didn't hate you, and I told you some of what I remember.

You claimed that it didn't happen. You still deny it all. You don't remember.

My siblings and I are close, and we all remember.

You've drowned it all out. Forgotten everything. You let life break you.

I almost let it break me once.... and then I learned that sometimes you have to take care of yourself in order to love anyone else. You have to surround yourself with those that you love, and who love you in return; those who want what is best for you. Some people simply want to bring you down to their level to justify their misery...

17 years later I have found my peace with it all, and I forgive you everything. But there is no room for you here unless you change. No room in my life or my daughters'. There is a lot of good in life if you take the time to live it and love what you have. I hope someday you realize that.

I just wrote this so that you would know that I am not gone; but this is why you got left behind.


Sincerely,

Me