Alone

I need more time. ....

Over the last few weeks I have had this thought more and more. It seems like there has been more to do and less time to do it. All of the things I want to see finished around the house, errands to run, spending time with the girls, carving out some time with Duane, holiday shopping, work is hectic you know the stuff of LIFE, leaves me lying in bed at the end of the day pondering how to find a niche for myself. Just an hour of quiet is all I need to read a book, to write a blog, to take a long bubble bath, whatever my little heart desires. The things I rarely get to do.

Today I thought to myself; I have that hour. Every day, I could make that hour. I could even make more time for myself. I have the most wonderful husband who would more than happily watch the children if I desired to escape for a while. I could do all of these things if I really wanted to. I could spend my free time sitting in front of my computer reading blogs and catching up with all of you I do miss you all! I feel like I have been struggling uphill to get back to reading everyone's blogs and commenting and being more involved in the GBE community for a while now. I could also spend all of that extra time playing World of Warcraft because as much as I try not to, I love MMORPGs. There is "stuff" that I have wanted to buy; and I could go to the mall and spend all of my money on shoes, jewelry, books, music, and gadgets if I really wanted those things. I could haul out my scrapbooking trove and get lost in the past, poring over baby pictures of my beautiful daughters.

Honestly? When I do make that extra hour, I snuggle with Duane, enjoying the warmth of his arms around me and the smell of his soap, as we sit on the couch laughing while we watch George Lopez. Or I go sit on the floor in Aidynn's bedroom and pick up her toys as she counter actively brings me each of her favorites or her books to share, read, and play. Sometimes I lay in bed nursing Kindle, cooing back and forth with her and lightly wrapping in between my fingers the little cowlick of hair on the top of her head that she came into this world with. I take those luxurious bubble baths, but usually choose to bring one of the girls into the tub with me for some splashy playtime with bubbles.

These are the moments in my life that help me to truly breathe.

I don't do all of these things out of obligation, I do them simply because I want to. Because I enjoy doing them. When it comes to making a choice of how to spend that time, I never second guess. This is my life, my family, my friends, my heart, and none of us ever knows how many more hours we have.

That is where I have to stop and digress. It's not my head thinking anymore, it's my heart. I do need more time - but not more time for me. I need to keep spending as much time as possible with the people that I love and not worry so much about keeping up on blog comments or not reading as much as I'd like. Even this blog - I am writing off and on while sitting at work on a (rare) slow afternoon.

So I guess, in my head, I've been fighting with my life; trying to figure out how to get back to not having one outside of myself. But my heart has known about all of these "hours" I have had all along. Fortunately for me, I heard it even when I wasn't listening.

Why on earth would I ever want to be alone?