A Few More Smiles

The day is winding down again. The nights are when I miss Duane the most. I think because the evenings were always "our time". After work he would make me dinner. We would play with Aidynn, and then put her to bed, and just spend time together talking or watching a movie. This will be night 4 without him home with us. Miss Aidynn seems to be having an easier time with the transition today. She has almost gone back to her normal always-smiling self. I hope I get back to myself soon enough as well.

I don't feel like myself. I know he isn't gone forever, but it sure as hell wouldn't hurt to hear from him. He called me last in Atlanta and was supposed to call me when he got to Ft Jackson... but I never heard from him. All I want is to hear his voice. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything. I have things I need to do, but I am so afraid that I will miss his call if I spend any amount of time outside. So I have been procrastinating doing a lot of things that I need to do tomorrow. I just haven't been myself. I just focus on anything that will distract me for any amount of time. I need to get away from the computer... it is a distraction, but there are so many other things I could be doing with my time. I tried staying away from it this morning, I wrote him a letter even though I don't have his address yet, but television and the computer have a way of numbing your mind that at the moment I find necessary. Of course being pregnant - all of the hormones and morning sickness don't exactly help me to feel better. What do you call that feeling in your chest when it feels like your heart is being crushed and you can't breathe anyway?

I remember having a conversation with Duane the day before he left for BCT. I don't know why I did... but I asked him if he was going to smile for his picture. When he asked what picture, I told him that they will take his picture after BCT and some people smile, while others look stern. I was wondering which he was going to do. He laughed at me and told me he was going to smile and do jazz hands as he imitated it in the car. For some reason tonight I keep thinking about that.... and I am glad. The memory makes me smile.

I could use a few more smiles.