Personal Compromise

Recently I have been frustrated and unable to figure out why exactly. Nothing in particular was pissing me off, and nothing in particular could make me happy. After the last few days of thinking about it, I realize that I am anxious with the present tense at almost all times.

The best way that I can explain the problem to myself is like this:

All day, 5 days a week, I go to work. I am away from home for a little more than 9 hours a day. At work I wear the work mindset. I am focused on work and try not to involve or allow too much of my personal life to effect my work ethic. After work I come home, and I am snap right into the Mommy mindset. I try not to bring my work home with me, and I focus on Aidynn. Changing, Bathtime, Nursing, Playing, Reading, and anything else that she needs done for her. Shortly after she goes to bed Duane and I go to bed. Exhausted. On the weekends, we run the errands and actually get a chance to talk to each other. It feels so strange, I live with my best friend and we rarely ever connect emotionally like we used to. I've come up with 2 questions.

Where is that time for just us?
We have become so busy being parents that the time to just focus on being in love seems to be getting lost somewhere. I miss him all day when I am away from him, and miss him even when he is 2 feet away. He has been gone all day today setting the course for a better future for our family. It has been nice just having quiet time with Aidynn, but I hope he will be home soon.

Where is time for me to just be me?
I used to do so many creative things. I have a journal that hasn't been written in since I was a few months pregnant. I have boxes of pictures and hundreds of dollars in scrapbooking materials that I used to create beautiful pages that I treasured with. My music collection has been cast aside. I don't keep up on the things that interest me. I can't even remember what those things are most of the time anymore. Once in a while I will catch a glimpse of something that makes me smile and go, "Oh yeah... I remember that..".

Duane and I are building an entirely new life for our family. It has only been almost a year since we moved out on our own together. At the time we literally owned nothing but our clothing and a few personal objects. After Duane's mother lost her mind and threw us out not even a month after I moved down here, we built everything we have now. A beautiful home, and a beautiful family. Just looking at everything that we have accomplished in the last year amazes me. I still believe that that one malicious and selfish act on his mother's part was the best thing that could have ever happened to us - it gave us the opportunity to realize exactly how far we would go for one another, and it taught us the kind of person that she is ; which happens to be the kind of person that will never be welcome in our lives or that of our daughters. That may seem harsh, but she was given a few chances to redeem herself and each time not only demonstrated that she is selfish and petty, but also managed to exceed our expectations in all matters.

So what I am realizing now is that things change constantly. Things are hectic right now, and they may get more complicated soon, but nothing says it has to be permanent. Duane and I just need to keep focusing on making good choices so that we can set the example for our daughter throughout her life.

It kills me that I have to keep so many things secret right now! It irritates me. Is it unreasonable to have more disdain for the mistakes that someone else has made in their past than I do for my own?