Substance... that became rambling...

Iiiieeeee... can tell that I am bored with my life. I am completely lost as to what to do with myself when I have no one to take care of. I am alone more and more it seems and I don't have:

Space.
Motivation.
Ambition.
Pick one.
There's more.

At work I go crazy when I am not doing something. My boss loves me. I think it's because it's the most productive aspect of my life right now. I really like my job. I might be tired all day because of my sleep schedule, but hey, I am so happy to have found something so compatible with my personality.  I'm noticing that my compatibility with different situations is becoming more and more....  comfortable over the last few months. It makes me wonder if it's pure luck, or if it's me that has really changed. Anyhow.

I got a phone call today from another job that I applied for about 3 weeks ago. I seriously am considering taking it if they will work around my hours at CEI.  I think 6pm to 10 or 11 wouldn't be so bad. Or maybe just weekends. Not like I ever see the man I love anyways. Which if I haven't expressed more clearly before now:

REALLY FUCKING SUCKS!

I miss him so much. I want to scream- all the time. I have a lot of built up negative energy and animosity from being by myself. I'm the eldest of 6  children FFS.  It's one thing to close the door on the world around you, but totally another to close the door and know that there isn't someone who needs you in some way right on the other side.

I have never been alone.  I hate being alone. Live and learn I suppose.

Make new friends you might say?  No thank you. People suck. They're like kittens in a way.  So endearing at times and you think you would love the companionship. So you open up to taking one (or more) in and opening your heart to it. Then it  shits on your floor.... scratches the hell out of your furniture..... you end up allergic... and it's a pain in the ass to clean the litter box every day. Aside from all that, I've never been able to keep a kitten for it's entire life. Something always happens and it doesn't matter how or what.... it hurts to say goodbye.

I don't miss the fur on everything, or the litter box, but I miss Spook and Joey.

Duane is so damn smart.... and kind.  I think he knows more about what I am feeling than I have chosen (or had opportunity) to share with him.  He has insisted this entire time that we find a place that would allow Chase.  I said it wasn't important.  I think I am noticing now that it is. Not really THAT it is, but WHY it is. I'm lost by myself. I am not happy sitting alone to entertain myself. Chase is entertainment.... companionship.  That is what I miss the most about Redding.  I always had someone to hug and talk to. I think I took advantage of that a lot. 

I realize that I am a bit of a brat... ok more than a bit. The problem I have more than that though, is that when I notice I am behaving a certain way and I think it to be a negative quality and I don't like that part of myself - I change it. I always do. I consider it my own personal evolution.

I don't know how to stop feelings. I never have. I am too emotional for my own good. I just don't show it unless it's unbearable to keep inside. Even then it is only select few that have the discomfort of viewing what happens when it's all "bottled up inside".

So I think that's it for now. I have phone calls to make. More time to think.

I wish Duane were here. I miss him so much.