Just For Laughs

This one is for everyone who
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids

I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,
"Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny
fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her
fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She sadly replied, "What happened to my booger?"

*****

The Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation
that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation ..... no
one wanted him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and
proclaims .... 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new
Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their
children!'

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful
entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on
here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to
guarantee the college education of all his children!'

More sighs and loud applause. Gloria Dingfelder, now age 88, stands and
announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!'

There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs.Dingfelder,
whatever possessed you to say that? '

Gloria's 90 year old husband, Ron, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side.
his wife smiles broadly and replies,"Well, I just asked my husband how we
could help, and he said, "Screw the preacher".

Isn't senility wonderful?

*****

Can you solve this puzzle?
You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way
and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.


*Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.*

*****

Paddy, the famous Irishman, is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. he turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and, almost too late, realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. he swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.
Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks, "What on Earth were you doing?"
Paddy tells him the story of the trees in the road. The officer stops him mid sentence and says,

"Fer the love of God, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"

*****

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across
his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your
car?"

Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

*****

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:

"Red............cherry,"

"Yellow.........lemon,"

"Green.........lime,"

"Orange..........orange."

Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue; it's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled:

"Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!"