Missing

A week before Duane left I stopped working to spend 6-7 weeks with my daughter. It's now going on 4 weeks that I have been a "stay-at-home-mom". I am ready to go back to work. I love spending time with my daughter, and she cracks me up at times, but she likes to play by herself as well... and she takes quite a few naps during the day... leaving me with nothing to do but sit and think.

Mostly I think about Duane. I write him letters and send him cards and pictures. I wait for his 3 minute phone calls and am petrified that I will miss one if I leave to run errands - so I try to wait until those times I know he won't be able to call. The time difference is the only benefit I have found in being 3000+ miles away from each other.

I miss talking to him. There are so many little things that I notice are different now that he isn't here. Cuddling on the couch watching movies... the way he would rest his hand on my thigh when we would drive somewhere... how he would come up behind me and hug me and smell my hair for no reason.... how he would be on the floor laughing and playing with Aidynn when I came home for work almost every day... his smile.... and he always knows how to make me laugh, even on the bad days.

Before we were married, I remember a conversation I had with him in which I said, "I worry sometimes about us, because I am so unlike every other relationship you have been in." To which he replied without hesitation, "I know. Maybe that's why this is the first time I've ever been in love, and why I am so happy with you."

Any doubts that I had about marrying him disappeared right then and there.

I know he misses us terribly. We have both had our fair share of tears. He even went to church. For those of you that don't know Duane.... I can't even describe how unlike him that is. I'm surprised he didn't catch fire.

I just can't wait until he comes home. I miss him so much. Without him here... it's like a piece of me is missing. I just feel.... empty. It doesn't seem to be getting less painful... it's just easier to go numb for longer periods of time.

Until then I have a pregnancy to look forward to, and a beautiful little girl who blesses me with her smiles every day. I can count down the days until he is home with us again for good. I know I just need to count my blessings and that will help me get through this.