What matters most

When I was first dealt the amazing surprise of my pregnancy, I had so many emotions rush through me all at once that it's hard to rationalize them all. I was told I wouldn't have kids without fertility treatments. I lived through heart-wrenching moments of being denied the one thing I had always wanted - children. I lived through the frustration and depression of dealing with that verdict, and finally coming to terms with it, and being ok about it. It wasn't so bad to do what I wanted, when I wanted, and not having to worry about anyone but myself. I could make long term plans for myself and know that no one but myself could interfere with them. Imagine my surprise, and what flashed through my mind, when I saw 2 pinks lines!

 

Once the initial shock wore off, I was so emotional I couldn't stop sobbing - even when I tried. Duane was there to tell me how happy he was, and what a lucky baby this would be. I seemed anything but happy - I was worried about our future. Duane and I were so happy before the pregnancy, we just started out together to build a life, I didn't want anything to change that. We had plans, and they would all have to change for this baby. So many sacrifices were going to have to be made....

 

He didn't care about the possible changes. He was happy - so happy I didn't believe him at first. He told me, and helped me see in so many ways that this baby was a blessing and it didn't matter about the timing. He told me we would be fine, I would be a wonderful mother, and that this was a good thing - all I could do was cry my eyes out while he held me and consoled me for hours. Even though I was so upset, more upset than I can ever recall being, I consider it a fond memory - it's a memory of how much he loves me and Aidynn.

 

For months I felt so badly about my initial reaction to this pregnancy. Even though people told me it was normal, and I should let it go. I found myself questioning whether or not I would be a good mother.

 

Now, more and more often I think about my childhood. I remember my mother when she was a good mother, and I think that I will be a lot like her. She taught me not only to be patient and kind, but to tell children honestly and often that they are loved. There will never be a day in our home without hugs and kisses. Our children will never doubt that they are loved. She also taught me some of what not to do as a parent.... such as never place anyone before yourself or your children. Some mistakes you will have the rest of your life to regret - even after your children have forgiven you. Even now, she gets upset when she talks about that period of her life and the mistakes she made. She still apologizes. 

 

She was a teenage mother who married for the sake of her children. By the time she was my age she had 6 children; the youngest was nearly 3 years old.

 

One of the most memorable moments that I have with her was when I was around 8 years old - right after my youngest sibling, Caleb, was born. She hugged me out of the blue and said: "You have such a beautiful face Kristina, but one day someone so lucky is going to fall in love with your heart - it's more beautiful than anyones I have ever met." That has stuck with me for so many years. She had no reason to say it; other than she honestly believed it and she loved me enough to tell me so.

 

My daughter will be born in about a month. Yes, I have minor panic attacks when I think about how soon that is.... but I am excited and scared at the same time. I can't wait to hold her little hands, smell her baby smell, and kiss her sweet face. I know I will be bias in thinking she is the most beautiful baby in the world, because I know exactly what she was made from and how much her parents love each other and her.

 

So when I think about what the most important thing is that I want to give my daughter in her life, it isn't anything she can hold or touch. It's the knowledge that she is beautiful inside and out, that kindness is one of the best traits to posess, she is loved entirely by both of her parents, and her mother wanted and loved her for so long, before even she knew how much.