Being Alone..

As many of my friends (and my not-so friends) already know, I recently found myself at a point in my life where a lot of things required re-evaluation. I needed a change that was long over due, and necessary to my happiness and well being.

I am a control freak. I have to have total control over everything that involves me, and I become nearly insane if I decree that I want something one way in my life and it does not pan out to be so. I just keep trying to make things go my way. Usually they do, after a struggle, and I am fine with that. 

I have made many decisions over the last few months, and not one of them have I given a second thought to. Except one. I wanted to be "single". I did not want those boundaries that are typically placed on a person in a relationship. I was happy to be alone. I was happy to be myself. I was just happy to BE. I thought to be happy you could rely on no one but yourself. The entire feeling of happiness was like unexplored territory to me.

Then I fell in love. It caught me way off guard, and honestly, scared the hell out of me. I've loved before. I've fallen before. This... is more. After what seems like a lifetime of struggle to try to make things work in my personal life, with my ex and all of those before him, I find myself simply going "hmm..". I don't understand. I am a logical person and generally I must understand everything.

This simply works. There is no struggle. There are no problems that make my days intent on misery. I live my life being happy, and I share my thoughts, ideas, and even daily activities with my best friend - and it goes the other way as well. I am so amazed everyday to wake up feeling this way. It's almost unreal to me. I don't even know what else to say.

I find myself thinking about everything. I analyze details in my life - it's how I learn to really know myself. I have to admit to myself that I placed myself in a poor situation. I did it, and only me. I was too much of a coward to "fix" what I had done, and thought that what I had was what I had chosen and I was stuck with it. I am amazed at how blind I was, but all I can do is know that I learned from it.

Still, I have no regrets. I may have been miserable for the majority of the last 10 years, but I learned so much. Finally I realized tonight, that the way things are now, if I had to choose to relive the last 10 years of my life, and still make the same mistakes, for the chance to be with the person that I love now, and be as happy as I am - I would do it in less than a heartbeat.