Ok, perhaps 'mad' isn't the right word for it. I was FURIOUS. IRATE. ENRAGED. It would be safe to say that I have never been as angry in my entire life. Physical harm crossed my mind along with the reminder that my daughters needed both their parents. I scared myself. My husband was terrified.
Why you ask? Ohohohoooo....
He went outside the grocery list and spent $65 more than I had budgeted on items that were NOT on said list.
This might not seem like such a big deal to some, and it wasn't about the money. It's about the principle of a list and the effort that I make to plan that list and budget our finances to create a stable financial life for our family. In no defense of my exponential rage, it was at least the 8th time he has done this in the last 6 months. At least. Hubs is incapable of sticking to a list. I had assumed (yeah, I know, my bad...) that since we had this same argument so many times he may have finally gotten the point. He volunteered to go to the store and take one of the littles. I figured that he couldn't possibly go off the list again. It was only about 6 items....
Anyhow.
I was so pissed I left to buy a pack of cloves. I haven't smoked in YEARS! But I needed them. I needed something to calm my nerves and keep my hands busy and that was the safest option I could rationalize. (Anyone want a new pack of Djarum Lights?)
Amidst the chaos he went for a walk. While I sat in my smoldering fervor of anger attempting to figure out how to separate assets and child care expenses it occurred to me... "Why am I THIS angry?" I knew I was being irrational and uncompromising on some levels. I knew I wasn't fighting fair. I was ready to throw away a generally blissful marriage? I knew I loved this man more than everything.... but was about to kick his ass out the front door faster than Oprah after an eclair. I was packing a suitcase! WTH!?
No....
Really?
But...
Hrm...
That's not possible.
Ok, it's possible, but it's not probable.
Ok, so go find out.
But what if?
....
What if?
..............
Yeeeeep.
Why you ask? Ohohohoooo....
He went outside the grocery list and spent $65 more than I had budgeted on items that were NOT on said list.
This might not seem like such a big deal to some, and it wasn't about the money. It's about the principle of a list and the effort that I make to plan that list and budget our finances to create a stable financial life for our family. In no defense of my exponential rage, it was at least the 8th time he has done this in the last 6 months. At least. Hubs is incapable of sticking to a list. I had assumed (yeah, I know, my bad...) that since we had this same argument so many times he may have finally gotten the point. He volunteered to go to the store and take one of the littles. I figured that he couldn't possibly go off the list again. It was only about 6 items....
%*(@%$#@^$@!!!
Anyhow.
I was so pissed I left to buy a pack of cloves. I haven't smoked in YEARS! But I needed them. I needed something to calm my nerves and keep my hands busy and that was the safest option I could rationalize. (Anyone want a new pack of Djarum Lights?)
Amidst the chaos he went for a walk. While I sat in my smoldering fervor of anger attempting to figure out how to separate assets and child care expenses it occurred to me... "Why am I THIS angry?" I knew I was being irrational and uncompromising on some levels. I knew I wasn't fighting fair. I was ready to throw away a generally blissful marriage? I knew I loved this man more than everything.... but was about to kick his ass out the front door faster than Oprah after an eclair. I was packing a suitcase! WTH!?
No....
Really?
But...
Hrm...
That's not possible.
Ok, it's possible, but it's not probable.
Ok, so go find out.
But what if?
....
What if?
..............
Yeeeeep.
The last month I have been contemplating whether or not Hubs and I should have another baby. We have discussed it several times and decided that we DID want another, but didn't know when. I was weighing the pros and cons of sooner and later. I've had a lot of dreams the last 3 weeks about being pregnant. I've had uncontrollable cravings. I've been exhausted and forcing myself to get off my butt. I found myself gagging over my usually favorite and coveted walnut prawns. I've even had those moments while looking at Kinny, thinking, "Where did my baby go? I need another one." Of course those thoughts were usually immediately followed by questioning my own sanity. The blog I discovered and posted yesterday just felt like it rang a bit too true for this moment in life. Then of course there have been the... moments of "amplified emotional displays". (Shut up that's what I am calling them.) Ahem.
So looks like we have our answer!
Don't get me wrong, we are ECSTATIC to welcome baby #3! But, it's hard to think of myself with a 2 year old... a 1 year old... and a 0 year old.... (Dear Lord... we are officially outnumbered...) The idea of Kinny not being "the baby" never really occurred to me. This is a BIG addition! We now need a bigger car minivan and another bedroom! I am mourning the goodbyes to ice cold beer in summer and my beloved sushi again, and wondering if my breasts or bed will ever again belong to only me, and as we just finished giving away nearly all of our baby items like the swing and the bouncer and the jumper and all of the small diapers and clothes we are going to have to start from scratch... after this one we are certainly DONE, as in NO MORE KIDS.... but ohhh...
I ADORE being pregnant. I have never loved my body more than I do when it is creating life. The shape and the curves of pregnancy are damn sexy.
And those tiny kicks... I know that I couldn't be happy if I didn't feel those tumbles and somersaults at least once more time around.
And of course, there's also moments like this:
New baby smells and snuggles and cuddles and loves....
The excitement of growing a little person with their own special traits and personality. The first time hearing the tiny heartbeat. The first ultrasound of memorizing those little hands and feet. Discovering if you'll be having a little Prince or Princess. Seeing that precious face for the first time after all of the hard work that has been invested into their arrival. Adding one more to the family forever to be a part of that special kind of love. There is nothing in the world that compares.
So we are already discussing names to fit with the "theme" we have going of relativity to fire and wondering what s/he will look like. Cause, c'mon now, I make some beautiful babies.
I'd be excited to have a boy. Baby blues, and trucks, mud, and overalls would be a welcome addition to the 2 princesses. But in all honesty, I would miss the dresses and bows and pinks and purples that come with a little girl.
Either way, Healthy and Happy. It's all that matters.
P.S. If you ever see my husband at the grocery store again, please call me. Thanks. ^_^
So looks like we have our answer!
Don't get me wrong, we are ECSTATIC to welcome baby #3! But, it's hard to think of myself with a 2 year old... a 1 year old... and a 0 year old.... (Dear Lord... we are officially outnumbered...) The idea of Kinny not being "the baby" never really occurred to me. This is a BIG addition! We now need a bigger I ADORE being pregnant. I have never loved my body more than I do when it is creating life. The shape and the curves of pregnancy are damn sexy.
And those tiny kicks... I know that I couldn't be happy if I didn't feel those tumbles and somersaults at least once more time around.
And of course, there's also moments like this:
The excitement of growing a little person with their own special traits and personality. The first time hearing the tiny heartbeat. The first ultrasound of memorizing those little hands and feet. Discovering if you'll be having a little Prince or Princess. Seeing that precious face for the first time after all of the hard work that has been invested into their arrival. Adding one more to the family forever to be a part of that special kind of love. There is nothing in the world that compares.
So we are already discussing names to fit with the "theme" we have going of relativity to fire and wondering what s/he will look like. Cause, c'mon now, I make some beautiful babies.
I'd be excited to have a boy. Baby blues, and trucks, mud, and overalls would be a welcome addition to the 2 princesses. But in all honesty, I would miss the dresses and bows and pinks and purples that come with a little girl.
Either way, Healthy and Happy. It's all that matters.
P.S. If you ever see my husband at the grocery store again, please call me. Thanks. ^_^
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