The Peanut Symphony

Welcome to cry it out.

My sweet baby. My happy princess. My peanut. My monster.

Miss Aidynn has gotten into the habit of needing constant attention from me. If she doesn't get it, she whines. (OH MY GOD THE WHINING!!) Especially at bedtime. As soon as I put her in her crib I am sure the neighbors think I am beating her. She screams at the top pf her lungs to begin and will proceed to cascade through this repertoire of truly pitiful cries. The sob. The choke. The cough. The fear scream. The silent cry crescendoing into the wail. For a 1 year old I have to admit that if I wasn't so heart wrenched I would be impressed.

She simply doesn't want to go to sleep like before. I remember those nights when I could lay her down at 8:30 and she would grab her blankie, pop those two fingers into her mouth, and immediately wander off to lullaby land.... now, they are long gone.

Yesterday she was up until 10:45 pm. The day before she was awake until 9:30 pm. I see a pattern. Tonight I decided it was getting out of hand.

I can't let this happen. She has about as much freedom as I can handle - especially for a child of her level of intelligence. She knows what makes me tick. She uses it to her advantage when not getting her way or her desired level of attention. So tonight, I put her to bed at 8:45 pm. I promised myself I would not go and get her. She has to learn that bedtime is bedtime and that she has her very own room and very own bed for a reason. (MANTRA MANTRA) She cried for about 10 minutes...... I fought with myself the entire time to NOT go and get her.

Finally she is sleeping peacefully. I checked to make sure she was still alive (of course) and I will check on her before I go to bed to make sure she is still breathing and give her some more covers and make sure she has her stuffie and is warm and/or cool enough.

Meanwhile I will be on tip toe and NOT breathing so that the small chance of her hearing me and waking again is lessened.

The entire 10 minutes she cried were like torture for me. It's amazing how your own mind can turn against you as a mother....

"Well... you like to cuddle with her. How bad is it really when she co-sleeps? How bad is getting kicked in the face a dozen times waking you from a dead sleep really?"

"Don't you hear her crying? She wants her Mommy. She wants YOU. She loves you and she is hurting because she doesn't understand. You've abandoned her. Now she will never love you again!"

"What if something is really wrong with her? Gas? Teeth? Hunger? Thirst? Night terrors? Smallpox? Polio?!"

Then there is that wonderful feeling of love and affection that I have had since she fell asleep. It makes me miss her. It makes me want to go and wake her and hold her and cuddle her and kiss her and let her co-sleep in my arms all night despite my own personal discomfort. It doesn't even make sense to me!

Motherhood is definitely it's own brand of insanity.