Forgotten Memories

I awoke to a dream this morning that has me very unsettled.

When I was younger, my younger siblings and I generally didn't get along. I remember that one of the largest annoyances I had was that they nearly always ruined anything that I ever purchased or was given. Not out of spite, but just because they were kids and didn't know any better.

My parents were not good parents. They were too self absorbed in their own life dramas to pay attention to what was going on with their children. Aside from the abuse from my father and the guilt from my mother we hardly had interaction from either of them (which I know now is why my brothers often looked for the negative attention from me).

But, in the dream, I was violent with them. They were only children. Just as I remember them. The dream was not actual, it did not happen, but it certainly struck a chord with how things were - and I had forgotten. If not forgotten, at least managed to block out the memories...

I love my brothers, and my sister. I still feel so badly about the upbringing that they had, and even though I know I was only a child leading by example I still carry some guilt for how I treated them at times up until we were all separated when I was 13.

I don't know what I am going to do about my emotions right now, but I do think I need to tell all of them how sorry I am and how much I really love them. I've never done that before. Even though the past is the past, some things still hurt me about it, and I wasn't on the receiving end of the mistreatment.